Jan. 26th, 2012

Thresholds

Jan. 26th, 2012 12:03 pm
eurydicebound: (coffee)
This is, apparently, my year of thresholds. Married again, MA exam, graduation, presenting a paper, etc. A new business, a new book, a new... well, take it as you will. Lots of news; lots of unexplored territory.

I hate thresholds. And it's not that there's not a lot of good things on the far side of them; usually a threshold can reliably be seen as a positive. It's that there's the point of no return... the impending moment of change beyond which there is nothing to be done but accept it. The moment when it is out of your hands, and all you can do is take whatever comes, even if that "whatever" is likely to be very good. All you know for sure, though, is that the thing you knew and were familiar with is ending, and something else is taking its place. In that respect, it's not even like change, because change might just be a variation on what you already have, and aspects of the already-having will continue on. A threshold, however, by definition means a crossing across spaces or conditions. There will be an ending and a beginning. In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritu Sancti, Amen. Or something like that, in any case.

So, yes. Threshold hating. Boundary pushing, "but I'm not ready to let go yet," holy-fuck-here-it-comes bracing, threshold crossing. It utterly terrifies me.

This is possibly ironic given how many of this Rubicons I've been through--hell, actively sought out, especially in the last few years. Every one of them has been positive, too. They all take a toll, though... no ferryman works without a fee. Every crossing has a cost. I fear the costs; I fear the loss. I fear that this time when I take that step into the unknown, a chasm will await me--and this time it'll drag those I love down too. *shudder*

In the next week, I must apply for graduation. I must also start working on the question for my MA exam, and I must get a ton of reading done. I will graduate or I won't, but the signatures must be in place before my birthday. I will pass the MA exam or I won't, but I must be prepared for it regardless. I will get into my program of choice or I won't, but I must press forward as though I will. "Come back with your shield or on it," indeed. This isn't the last set of thresholds I'll cross... and maybe someday it'll be less terrifying. For now, though... sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.* I may be coming here to make random noises of panic for the next six weeks, though, so be prepared.

*Thresholds evidently make me quote things a lot. Sigh.
eurydicebound: (strawberries)
Points: 29
Banked: 6

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