Jun. 26th, 2012

eurydicebound: (coffee)
I ended up going through today and discovering that our current grocery purchasing doesn't work with my brain. It's kind of crazy... but I'm trying to work it out.

When I go through the kitchen, I don't see available lunch food. This is silly, because there is food... so the question is, what is it about what's there that makes me not accept it? I'm sort of going through my reactions and sorting it out, and I'm discovering that it's a mix of latent poverty issues and spectrum stuff.

1) Hot dogs. We're out of buns, though... and that makes me not want to touch them. Years spent eating hot dogs with slices of bread that get gummy because the bread is cheap, because buns are a special occasion thing you can't afford. Hot dogs without buns because they're cheap. I just... I can't. It makes me feel desperate.

2) Tuna for tuna salad sandwiches. Again, something between feeling stressed for time to make tuna and something about money -- tuna is cheap. Tuna salad and egg salad are both poverty foods, because cans of tuna come in bulk and eggs are cheap for the number of meals they give.

I realize that I used to make myself feel less broke by splurging on food for myself -- buying the good stuff when I could, ordering out when I was stressed or pressed for time. I gave myself that luxury, even when it was a bad idea. But now my money is not just my own and my guy cooks for me and I already know that most of the quick-nuke processed food is crap -- it doesn't even taste good, by and large. But it means flavor and convenience and not feeling completely broke and desperate. This is a really unfortunate groove I cut in my psyche, and it's something I need to find a way to break free of now that it isn't my life anymore.

One thing I need to do is find a way to manage my needs for lunches and meals better, which means planning ahead -- as the resident student/full-time-shift-worker this summer, I'm not often the one to go to the store. I don't tend to think about it if I'm not going to the store. And then I end up triggered a lot or a little, depending on the day, but all of it could be fixed if I'd just think ahead.

I don't know. It's a strange thing that I don't tend to think about much, but it's there. I hate that it's there. Now to figure out what to do with it.

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eurydicebound

March 2013

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