Mar. 19th, 2012

Sleeeeepy

Mar. 19th, 2012 09:07 am
eurydicebound: (coffee)
And that's why I'm writing this, in an effort to wake up. Part of this is med related... part of it is that I'm not sleeping well from coughing and drainage and various things, and I worry that I'm keeping Matt up too. Flying in a few days is going to be a bitch.

Cael was not feeling well yesterday. Everything was hard. At one point, during his second nap, he came over and wasn't happy. I offered to hold him for a bit and he sort of draped himself across me. There's a particular comfort that comes from holding a small, largely boneless child, and it hit me then that Cael is not just the kid of someone I love, but he's my kid now too. He's my stepson, of which the important part is "my son." And that being a mom to him while he's with us is the right thing to do. It was a very strange feeling, knowing suddenly that this kiddo is mine to care for.

It was, of course, followed immediately by waves of crushing guilt, because I HAVE two sons, and shouldn't I be spending all my mom mojo on them? It's a false comparison, naturally, because they're older. They don't need me to pick them up and hold them while they're sleepy, nor would they really want me to do so. Even if I were there, being a mom to them is different.

I dunno. I don't think there's a way around this. My boys aren't small... it's harder for Matt to connect to them as a result. For that alone, I wish we'd met romantically years earlier, when we first moved to Seattle rather than when we did. Then again, that's wishing for something that never was, for had we met then, he wouldn't have been free to really love me and vice versa. But his kids are small and their needs are more immediate and more concrete, and everything's closer to the surface. He doesn't have to be apart from his kids and around mine most of the time... and so he doesn't have that same feeling, I think, either of attachment or guilt. And I wouldn't want him to, really... it just means that I'm kind of on my own with this.

Blargh.

In other news, still knitting. Have to make progress on my paper today. Have to get some reading done. Have to read my paper to someone too. Busy day. Still sleepy. We'll see if I can set aside the latter to deal with the former.
eurydicebound: (Default)
Okay, so, time for a random update!

1) I'm at 225.6, officially. That means that despite not taking care of diet stuff through MA exam and illness and whatnot, I only gained back about a half pound, if that. I'm not convinced that's really as low as I am, given that Sue had a huge, awesome St. Patrick's Day dinner last night for us all, but it's close enough. If it's better next week, so be it. Trying to remember to count points today. Need to get back in the habit. Hula hooping may happen today.

2) I'm knitting this! hug-me-tight lace shrug I've been knitting this for a while. I'm kind of closing in on the end though, and the desire to start something new is almost more than I can stand. I also have two old projects I need to get started on again, because seriously, they've been on needles since before I moved here. I want them done so I can clear my plate and move on.

3) I feel almost human again after stress and MA exam and illness and whatnot. My last big stressbasket thing is my conference next weekend in San Antonio. If my paper is done and I present it and it goes well, then I just have the last two papers to write and maybe some summer work to find--comparatively easy projects. I'm looking forward to that.

4) I get to go see my boys the week after my semester ends! Yay! Going to stay with Phil and see boys during the day. I'm very excited. It's been too long. Planning what we should go do/see while we're there. I'm sad we can't make it a family trip this year, but maybe next year we can do that. We'll see.

5) I'm going to go see my family in July, apparently with Matt! Yay! We might even go through Kansas City along the way, just to be different and cross off an additional city/state from the list. Not to mention that would mean going through Chicago.... hmm. Interesting idea.

6) I still need to get a passport.

7) This summer will see the beginnings of getting Latin under my belt again. I've got two years to get to reading fluency. Hoo boy. Wish me luck.

8) The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai in the 8th Dimension is sitting here, waiting for me to watch it with Matt. I'm looking forward to this immensely.

9) We just watched the new Clash of the Titans last night, having watched the old 80s Clash of the Titans the week before. Hmm. Actually, this deserves its own post.

Gosh, look what happens when I'm not crazy with school work. All must be right with the world. :)

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