eurydicebound (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
eurydicebound) wrote2005-02-28 03:56 pm
eurydicebound) wrote2005-02-28 03:56 pm
Winning back the past, or some such blather
I have, believe it or not, made a number of stupid decisions in my life. A lot of them are resurfacing this year, it seems, seeking resolution. I'm actually not unhappy about this, as it means I get finaly put some of this stuff behind me. I'm finally in a place where I can start redeeming some of these debts, and that is overall a very good thing.
One of these things that I feel lacking in is old friends I've sort of left behind. I was realizing the other day that some of the people I think of as "friends" are people I haven't talked to in four years or more. At one move or another I left them behind and really didn't look back much... the situations that had brought us into long-distance contact in the first place were either no longer present or had never been particularly strong to begin with, and so keeping in touch ended very shortly after our physical proximity did. Oklahoma and Albuquerque are where I feel the losses the most: less so in OK than ABQ, as we moved back to OK and did try to make contact with those friends more than once over the years, without reciprocation or significant interest on their part.
The friends in Albuquerque, though, were always pretty dear to me. A few of them I'm still in pretty good contact with,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
iavasthul included. Some I likely won't be speaking with again, possibly ever, and that makes me very sad. Some just sort of drifted away... a few before we moved, a few more after. The group of friends that was present when we moved there has long since splintered and diffused. I'm not sure I'd want to recreate it... there were elements of that group that were not all that healthy for the people involved. I miss the individuals, though. Pretty much all of them. They were a big part of my life for a number of years, undoubtedly more than any of them realized, and certainly more than I told any of them. The group dynamic was such that any such efforts at explanation would probably have been misinterpreted, or at least not understood. *shrug*
While I can't take all the blame for letting contact with these people slide, some of it is most certainly mine. It's one of the things that bothers me, as I get older and friends seem harder to spontaneously make. Very soon I'll be single, and any friends I make here will be post-marriage... somehow it seems important to me now to reconnect with people who knew me during the marriage as well. In the spirit of reconnecting, therefore, and redeeming past mistakes, I Googled until I managed to find a couple of those friends who had dropped off my radar. I composed and sent emails giving the general updates in my life and David's, and let them know that I missed them and would like to reestablish contact with them again, if they were interested.
Of course, part of me feels like I've done a really stupid thing. After all, if they were interested in talking to me, wouldn't they have made an effort too? Am I seeing more than was actually there? Should I have just taken the hint and let things go? To be honest, I've got no clue. In any case, it's too late now to take the emails back. :) What I do know, though, is that I'd feel better having vague news and chances to see these people than not. If it takes a little extra effort on my part... well, so be it. I'm the one who stands to benefit, anyway.
One of these things that I feel lacking in is old friends I've sort of left behind. I was realizing the other day that some of the people I think of as "friends" are people I haven't talked to in four years or more. At one move or another I left them behind and really didn't look back much... the situations that had brought us into long-distance contact in the first place were either no longer present or had never been particularly strong to begin with, and so keeping in touch ended very shortly after our physical proximity did. Oklahoma and Albuquerque are where I feel the losses the most: less so in OK than ABQ, as we moved back to OK and did try to make contact with those friends more than once over the years, without reciprocation or significant interest on their part.
The friends in Albuquerque, though, were always pretty dear to me. A few of them I'm still in pretty good contact with,
iavasthul included. Some I likely won't be speaking with again, possibly ever, and that makes me very sad. Some just sort of drifted away... a few before we moved, a few more after. The group of friends that was present when we moved there has long since splintered and diffused. I'm not sure I'd want to recreate it... there were elements of that group that were not all that healthy for the people involved. I miss the individuals, though. Pretty much all of them. They were a big part of my life for a number of years, undoubtedly more than any of them realized, and certainly more than I told any of them. The group dynamic was such that any such efforts at explanation would probably have been misinterpreted, or at least not understood. *shrug*While I can't take all the blame for letting contact with these people slide, some of it is most certainly mine. It's one of the things that bothers me, as I get older and friends seem harder to spontaneously make. Very soon I'll be single, and any friends I make here will be post-marriage... somehow it seems important to me now to reconnect with people who knew me during the marriage as well. In the spirit of reconnecting, therefore, and redeeming past mistakes, I Googled until I managed to find a couple of those friends who had dropped off my radar. I composed and sent emails giving the general updates in my life and David's, and let them know that I missed them and would like to reestablish contact with them again, if they were interested.
Of course, part of me feels like I've done a really stupid thing. After all, if they were interested in talking to me, wouldn't they have made an effort too? Am I seeing more than was actually there? Should I have just taken the hint and let things go? To be honest, I've got no clue. In any case, it's too late now to take the emails back. :) What I do know, though, is that I'd feel better having vague news and chances to see these people than not. If it takes a little extra effort on my part... well, so be it. I'm the one who stands to benefit, anyway.
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Er, no.
Oh, should I elaborate? Why, of course.... ;)
If friendships have attenuated, you do share a measure of responsibility for that. However, if they were active participants in the friendship, and it lapsed, then they too share responsibility.
But that's not "stupid." That's just how life goes, particularly when you accept weighty responsibilities like marriage, raising a family, and making sure there's food, a roof, clothing, heat, etc. underneath which said husband and family can dwell.
Those things rightly take priority over such matters.
I've lost touch with most of my old friends; sure, I hear from them time to time -- One of them (http://www.livejournal.com/users/jamminjoe23) recently found LiveJournal and restarted a correspondence with me after a prolonged lack of comm chatter -- but in general, it's very difficult to say that the folks who were once an integral part of my life are more than fond memories now. Mostly that's because I'm not who I was then, and neither are they, so what real obligation do I have to maintain a dialogue with someone who is essentially a stranger now?
That said, when they do try to reconnect, I'm happy to oblige; some have stayed consistently in touch, others haven't. And that's okay.
People change, time marches on, and it's not "your fault" if you've gone down different roads than your friends. Just a part of growing up.
I suspect the folks you've e-mailed will respond, pleasantly, and you may -- or may not -- reconnect. If you don't, it's not a personal failing, Michelle. And if you do, then groovy.
And as to your ability to spontaneously generate friends? I consider you a friend. We've met face-to-face exactly once.
I think you shortchange your abilities in this respect.
I'm just sayin'...
---
Short version: No, you shouldn't feel stupid about making an effort to reconnect with old friends, nor should you feel particularly responsible if those efforts don't bear fruit.
That's my two cents worth, anyhow.
-E
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And you're right, we are friends. :) Methinks we should plan a time to get together and be friendly in person, though.
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-E
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-E
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(Anonymous) 2005-03-01 06:22 am (UTC)(link)I visit Toronto at best twice a year, for a week at a time. That's 14 days in which to see everyone I could possibly want to see, and a few people I might not (but family gets a claim on you whether you want it or not). And with the two visits spaced half a year apart, some friends get visited twice. And there's things that the wife wants to do, things that the child wants to do, things that I want to do.
There's just not time to see all of my old friends in person, so those who don't respond to the "get the gang together at a restaurant" invitation tend to be left out.
(And that doesn't even touch on the ones who themselves moved to other parts of the country, or to other countries; I just don't have the money to fly to the Isle of Man to visit one of my former housemates.)
Hold tight to what you can, and feel no guilt about what you have to hold loosely.
Spike Y Jones
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Thank you.
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Interesting.
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Hey, I figure if people are going to reconnect, someone's got to make the first move. Why not you? I don't think it's stupid at all.
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;-)
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Actually, the coolest part was finding out that one friend's sister got a bronze medal at Athens. I got to meet her once, and she's really a lovely person. I was very happy to learn she's done so well. :)
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I've been doing exactly the same sorts of things in recent months, for pretty much the same reasons you have. In some cases it hasn't worked out and that's OK. I guess when that happens, you know that that particular chapter of your life is now closed, or at least closed for the time being.
But in other cases, you find that there's a whole fresh blossoming of the friendship, perhaps even past the point it used to be.
A few weeks ago I was bored silly one afternoon at work, so I did the whole google thing on a girl I knew from primary and high school who lived down here in Canberra a few years ago. I found a number in the phonebook and rang it up, on the off chance it was her.
It turns out it was her, and it totally blew her away that I'd gotten in contact with her. We've caught up a couple of times in person (when my shift roster has allowed) and it's been great. We reminisce about the things we did at high school. She seems really excited that I've made contact too; she keeps dragging her friends over to introduce them to her "georgeous friend Geoff". I have to admit, hearing her say that gives me a nice ego-boo as well, which is what I need at the moment.
And you already know about at least one of the other friends I've reestablished contact with :)
So, the long and the short of it is, don't feel bad or silly about doing it. Who knows, perhaps you guys actually needed to walk separate paths for a while and the experiences that you've picked up in the intervening time might be just what the other person needs right now. You should never pass up the chance to be a blessing in someone else's life.
Besides, did you consider that it's quite possible that they might be going through a rough patch in their own lives and they might be looking for a familiar voice to talk to and that all you're doing is picking up that vibe off the ether and responding to it? :)
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