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Aug. 27th, 2003 11:14 amThis really sucks. I can think of no shortage of rhetorical and otherwise questions I want to throw open to the world, but most of them deal with the relationship shit I'm dealing with right now and the possibility of life beyond it, and I don't know that it's fair to David or wise to continually stick my troubles out for all to see.
At the same time, my ony other outlets for discussion are my husband (and frankly, there's only so much of "this sucks" I can put him through) and my parents, and since we're living here altogether for at least 9 more months, I can't complain to them too much for fear they'll see David as the bad guy and get too worried. Trying to talk to my mom about my fears the one time just scared her and made her go off on me. Not good.
Right now, I don't see any way that we'll stay together, honestly. Even if therapy is some magic bullet that fixes his desire to not be married somehow... I don't know that I'll be able to trust him again. He's right in that he cares for me, but he doesn't love me right now. I can feel it and see it in everything we do together. The problem is that even if that resolves itself, I'm not sure I can believe that it will never happen again. I don't know if what I feel for him is strong enough to keep me here any more. I can only take so much negative reinforcement before I decide to move on. I don't know how to resolve this feeling with my responsibility to my children and the vows I took when I got married. I really don't. I don't think he does either, except to know that it's not fair to either of us to stay married if he doesn't love me (and loves someone else instead).
I guess part of it comes down to the fact that I know we're in this position because of his abuse issues, sort of a form of mental/emotional illness. The problem is I don't know whether the current wanting to get away is the problem brought about by it, or whether our marriage was. Either way, this is really going to suck.
Ugh. So much for not posting anything.
Gimme a sec, I'll post something less depressing too.
At the same time, my ony other outlets for discussion are my husband (and frankly, there's only so much of "this sucks" I can put him through) and my parents, and since we're living here altogether for at least 9 more months, I can't complain to them too much for fear they'll see David as the bad guy and get too worried. Trying to talk to my mom about my fears the one time just scared her and made her go off on me. Not good.
Right now, I don't see any way that we'll stay together, honestly. Even if therapy is some magic bullet that fixes his desire to not be married somehow... I don't know that I'll be able to trust him again. He's right in that he cares for me, but he doesn't love me right now. I can feel it and see it in everything we do together. The problem is that even if that resolves itself, I'm not sure I can believe that it will never happen again. I don't know if what I feel for him is strong enough to keep me here any more. I can only take so much negative reinforcement before I decide to move on. I don't know how to resolve this feeling with my responsibility to my children and the vows I took when I got married. I really don't. I don't think he does either, except to know that it's not fair to either of us to stay married if he doesn't love me (and loves someone else instead).
I guess part of it comes down to the fact that I know we're in this position because of his abuse issues, sort of a form of mental/emotional illness. The problem is I don't know whether the current wanting to get away is the problem brought about by it, or whether our marriage was. Either way, this is really going to suck.
Ugh. So much for not posting anything.
Gimme a sec, I'll post something less depressing too.
