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Oct. 5th, 2003 05:04 pmUpdate:
Good News
Today, my oldest turns 6. He's managed to scrape his eyelid on a chair while putting on his shirt this morning, so added on top of the scrape on his cheek from a dirt clod thrown by his brother while playing Godzilla monsters and a scrape on the bridge of his nose when he did something else a few days ago, he looks like someone's been beating him up in his sleep. Still, I'm extraordinarily proud of him, and of his younger brother too. They're good kids, and I must be doing something right because neither of them is dead or killed anyone else yet. Most people even find them tolerable to be around, so that's something. :)
Bad News
I noticed David had been being more -- I dunno. Friendly? Loving? Something -- to me lately. It prompted me to break my own rule about dealing with stuff right now and ask if something had changed in his feelings. Turns out he was making an effort to not shut me out so much, but nothing had changed. He still doesn't want to be married to me, and still doesn't feel like he really loves me. So I took it in stride, let him know things were okay, then spent most of the evening trying desperately to squash all these emotions back down in a surfeit of late-night TV viewing.
Am I so bad that he can't love me? Is there something about me that's so repulsive that no one in their right mind would want to be in a relationship with me? I know, this isn't about me. I can't help but feel some degree of self-judgement about it, regardless. David is the only man who ever pursued me in a relationship where it was obvious it could go somewhere. I've only ever met two other men I've felt that sort of attraction for, and came to find out later that both of them were both reluctant and/or felt I'd been aggressive in pushing the boundaries of the relationship, something I'd never intended to do. The other times were when the guy was married or otherwise unwilling or unable to be in a relationship, or very up-front about the idea that sex could be fun but they had no intentions of hanging around for anything more.
I feel so damn hopeless about the whole situation. I don't honestly believe therapy is going to help him love me again. Instead, I'm stuck for the next two years living with a man who doesn't love me, despite the fact that I do love him and probably always will. He wants to hang out with me and be friends, though. That's helpful. Doesn't want to really talk to me or be married to me, but thinks it's fun to play games together.
In the meantime, I feel unworthy, unloved, unattractive, and generally unpleasant to be around because that's what I see reflected in his eyes most of the time. Or rather, it's not that he seems to have those negative feelings toward me. It's instead that he has very few positive ones, being largely taken up with his own issues. I can't even fathom trying to date again, but I'd almost welcome the chance to start instead of living a charade for the next few years, watching him finish his degree and finally get money and a job doing something he loves, and being healthy and happy in a life I can't be a part of.
Okay, time to try and drown myself in work again.
Good News
Today, my oldest turns 6. He's managed to scrape his eyelid on a chair while putting on his shirt this morning, so added on top of the scrape on his cheek from a dirt clod thrown by his brother while playing Godzilla monsters and a scrape on the bridge of his nose when he did something else a few days ago, he looks like someone's been beating him up in his sleep. Still, I'm extraordinarily proud of him, and of his younger brother too. They're good kids, and I must be doing something right because neither of them is dead or killed anyone else yet. Most people even find them tolerable to be around, so that's something. :)
Bad News
I noticed David had been being more -- I dunno. Friendly? Loving? Something -- to me lately. It prompted me to break my own rule about dealing with stuff right now and ask if something had changed in his feelings. Turns out he was making an effort to not shut me out so much, but nothing had changed. He still doesn't want to be married to me, and still doesn't feel like he really loves me. So I took it in stride, let him know things were okay, then spent most of the evening trying desperately to squash all these emotions back down in a surfeit of late-night TV viewing.
Am I so bad that he can't love me? Is there something about me that's so repulsive that no one in their right mind would want to be in a relationship with me? I know, this isn't about me. I can't help but feel some degree of self-judgement about it, regardless. David is the only man who ever pursued me in a relationship where it was obvious it could go somewhere. I've only ever met two other men I've felt that sort of attraction for, and came to find out later that both of them were both reluctant and/or felt I'd been aggressive in pushing the boundaries of the relationship, something I'd never intended to do. The other times were when the guy was married or otherwise unwilling or unable to be in a relationship, or very up-front about the idea that sex could be fun but they had no intentions of hanging around for anything more.
I feel so damn hopeless about the whole situation. I don't honestly believe therapy is going to help him love me again. Instead, I'm stuck for the next two years living with a man who doesn't love me, despite the fact that I do love him and probably always will. He wants to hang out with me and be friends, though. That's helpful. Doesn't want to really talk to me or be married to me, but thinks it's fun to play games together.
In the meantime, I feel unworthy, unloved, unattractive, and generally unpleasant to be around because that's what I see reflected in his eyes most of the time. Or rather, it's not that he seems to have those negative feelings toward me. It's instead that he has very few positive ones, being largely taken up with his own issues. I can't even fathom trying to date again, but I'd almost welcome the chance to start instead of living a charade for the next few years, watching him finish his degree and finally get money and a job doing something he loves, and being healthy and happy in a life I can't be a part of.
Okay, time to try and drown myself in work again.
