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Non Sequiter Update, the First
Oct. 25th, 2003 09:53 pmI want... something. I don't know what it is, but I know I want it so very badly. I can put neither name nor face to it, annoyingly enough. It just sits invisibly, above my heart and between my lungs, putting the slightest bit of pressure there so that I'm reminded of its lack of existence. It sits there, and the echo of it is like a note of music ringing in my head that wants to be let out. It makes me want to stand and sing that one note, pure and clear, from a whisper to a cry as loud as a bell, ringing off walls and echoing down hallways as it finds its own echo and is satisfied.
I always want to sing at times like this. I love singing anyway, though I am not nearly so proficient as I would like to be. My voice is not the voice I would have if it were my choice. I have a weak head voice where I'd most like it to be strong, robbing me of singing the melody of most compositions with any art. I am solid in the middle, but lack depth as well. I tried for four years to move from chorus to choir, only to be turned away every time for the flaws I cannot fix. I've dreamed for years of having voice lessons, but the age where they might have proven most useful is long since past, and the voice lessons in my future will be for my children, not for me.
I have very little opportunity to sing as it stands. The last time I sang in public with any regularity was college, more than a decade ago. My only true audience now is my children, a nightly concert consisting of a few old favorites (Frere Jacques, Twinkle Twinkle, a few old show tunes) and some original compositions (the Alisdair song, Little Bear (the William Song), and The Cowboy Song).
Occasionally I'll meet someone I deem a good enough friend, and for reasons I don't fully understand (nor, I'm sure, do they), I'll drag them aside and sing to them. I don't believe I normally embarrass myself in the effort, but it isn't exactly concert quality either. The reactions are typically polite if not enthusiastic, and I always end up feeling like a complete loon for following through on it, with friends looking on kindly and patiently like a parent waiting for a babbling child to say something that makes sense so everyone can move on. It's the urge of a seven year old to show off something to those she loves best, not realizing that her efforts have been and will be surpassed by others far too numerous to name.
Still, I did it again at GenCon. This time almost in public, and without the grace to have been drunk while doing it. I was shaking so hard it was a wonder I could be understood at all, and I couldn't even finish the song I'd started... and in front of a group of people I barely knew. Looking back, I'm fairly mortified, but at the time... I liked those people, really. Still do. It was the only thing I could think of to share with them.
So here I am again with a want I can't express that wants desperately to be put into voice, one way or another, to be shared with people who are not here to hear it and likely would just look at me oddly if they were, but it won't go away, regardless. Singing is my meditation, but tonight it simply doesn't serve. It's just that one clear note, ringing off invisible walls in my mind.
If anyone figures out what that want is, let me know, would you? Until then, if you hear the echo of an alto voice singing a single note that echoes off some forgotten passage, that'll be me. Trying to figure out what the hell it is I want.
I always want to sing at times like this. I love singing anyway, though I am not nearly so proficient as I would like to be. My voice is not the voice I would have if it were my choice. I have a weak head voice where I'd most like it to be strong, robbing me of singing the melody of most compositions with any art. I am solid in the middle, but lack depth as well. I tried for four years to move from chorus to choir, only to be turned away every time for the flaws I cannot fix. I've dreamed for years of having voice lessons, but the age where they might have proven most useful is long since past, and the voice lessons in my future will be for my children, not for me.
I have very little opportunity to sing as it stands. The last time I sang in public with any regularity was college, more than a decade ago. My only true audience now is my children, a nightly concert consisting of a few old favorites (Frere Jacques, Twinkle Twinkle, a few old show tunes) and some original compositions (the Alisdair song, Little Bear (the William Song), and The Cowboy Song).
Occasionally I'll meet someone I deem a good enough friend, and for reasons I don't fully understand (nor, I'm sure, do they), I'll drag them aside and sing to them. I don't believe I normally embarrass myself in the effort, but it isn't exactly concert quality either. The reactions are typically polite if not enthusiastic, and I always end up feeling like a complete loon for following through on it, with friends looking on kindly and patiently like a parent waiting for a babbling child to say something that makes sense so everyone can move on. It's the urge of a seven year old to show off something to those she loves best, not realizing that her efforts have been and will be surpassed by others far too numerous to name.
Still, I did it again at GenCon. This time almost in public, and without the grace to have been drunk while doing it. I was shaking so hard it was a wonder I could be understood at all, and I couldn't even finish the song I'd started... and in front of a group of people I barely knew. Looking back, I'm fairly mortified, but at the time... I liked those people, really. Still do. It was the only thing I could think of to share with them.
So here I am again with a want I can't express that wants desperately to be put into voice, one way or another, to be shared with people who are not here to hear it and likely would just look at me oddly if they were, but it won't go away, regardless. Singing is my meditation, but tonight it simply doesn't serve. It's just that one clear note, ringing off invisible walls in my mind.
If anyone figures out what that want is, let me know, would you? Until then, if you hear the echo of an alto voice singing a single note that echoes off some forgotten passage, that'll be me. Trying to figure out what the hell it is I want.
