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Computer update: Exorcism is go!
Jan. 7th, 2005 11:34 amAs of yesterday, it's working again. The diagnostics and such must have jostled something use or fixed something wonky, because it's back to its old self again. Dunno if it will last, but it makes me happy nonetheless.
In celebration, I will share my time honored methods of computer repair.
1) The Sacrifice
This is actually most effective when dealing with connectivity issues, specifically lag.
You see, the ancient Greeks and Romans believed that a spirit resided in nearly everything. Maybe not a conscious spirit, but things were definitely alive. It's a very animistic viewpoint, really. While Greeks focused more on nature deities, the Romans created gods for EVERYTHING. Boundaries. Corners. Contracts. You name it, it had to have a god for it. Big gods stood cheek by jowl with little gods, Zeus next to the local river sprite, the god of the corn fungus next to Athena, everybody do-si-do....
Naturally, with so many gods, there were endless rights and sacrifices to be applied. Starting with the Greeks, each major god had a specific appropriate sacrifice. For Zeus, it was a white bull with no black hair on its body. For another god I can't remember right now, it was a red dog. For Hades, it was a black bull (I think, it's been some time).
These concepts have faded over the years, of course. For starters, we don't tend to believe in the ancient pantheons anymore. Some do, but it's fallen out of common practice. Secondly, it's damn hard to come up with a white bull whenever you need one. It's not like you can walk down and grab one from the local herd. Livestock in general is in shorter common supply nowadays, and the authorities frown on animal sacrifice in general. Plus it's messy, and there's a distinct lack of practiced individuals to do it right.
Luckily, there is an alternative.
Whereas ancients might go to whatever food source they had at hand, in general foods of the harvest and their herds, we can also go to our own foods at hand: snack food. Specifically, snack cakes. Easy to get, with an appropriate filling (the filling is important for the augury) and tasty to boot. It's the perfect modern representation.
Therefore, when your daimon (or daemon, depending on your software) seems threatened and unable to perform its appointed task, or if the lag monster is trying to eat you, dig out the sacrificial plate and place the snack food upon it. I personally recommend going with Hostess snack cakes in this particular scenario, but you can improvise as you see fit with what's at hand. Twinkies are for petitioning the forces of good and encouraging things to work well (all white, typically used while calling on the God of Computer Function), while ding-dongs are for warding against evil (all black, used to placate the God of Technical Difficulties). You can use the raspberry zingers to ward against corn fungus/viruses as an alternate option, though I've not experimented with it greatly. The following example sacrifice will deal with twinkies, but you can do the same with your sacrifice of choice.
1) Lay the twinkie on the plate. It must be unwrapped and whole, without flaw. No dented twinkies, and don't squish it too hard and accidentally displace the filling. You'll need that later. Take the plate to the computer desk.
2) Chant appropriately. "Oh Computer Daemon, accept this offering and perform thy function with all ease!" Handwaving is good, but don't get too exuberant. Show the twinkie to the monitor and to the hard drive, holding the plate out toward it. If it beeps or a light flickers, the sacrifice is accepted. If a pop-up shows up on the screen, your sacrifice was found unworthy.
3a) If you are satisfied that the computer has accepted the sacrifice, commence with eating the twinkie in a serious manner. You are consuming it for the gods, after all.
3b) If you wish to read the future in the entrails of the sacrifice, turn the twinkie over on its back. Take a knife (you did bring a knife to a sacrifice, right?) and slice it down the center, along the holes. Place it incision-side down and squeeze it, having a firm grasp, until some filling comes out. Study the design left on the plate while you munch the rest of it.
2) The Exorcism.
This is prefered for dealing with hardware/software issues.
1) Troubleshoot the problem.
2) Apply solutions. If the solutions can't fix the problem and you're fairly certain it is being obstinate rather than truly ill, move on to stage three.
3) Get out the candles and place them decoratively around the area. Make it look imposing. Your computer should be nervous.
4) Take on a stern expression. Face your computer and assume a commanding stance. Holding a large stick sometimes helps.
5) Using only your hand, point dramatically at the computer. In stenorian tones, shout the following: "Computer, I command thee to UNFUCK THYSELF!!!" If necessary, whap it firmly (but not too hard) across the top of the case.
6) Repeat as necessary or until people start looking at you funny.
In celebration, I will share my time honored methods of computer repair.
1) The Sacrifice
This is actually most effective when dealing with connectivity issues, specifically lag.
You see, the ancient Greeks and Romans believed that a spirit resided in nearly everything. Maybe not a conscious spirit, but things were definitely alive. It's a very animistic viewpoint, really. While Greeks focused more on nature deities, the Romans created gods for EVERYTHING. Boundaries. Corners. Contracts. You name it, it had to have a god for it. Big gods stood cheek by jowl with little gods, Zeus next to the local river sprite, the god of the corn fungus next to Athena, everybody do-si-do....
Naturally, with so many gods, there were endless rights and sacrifices to be applied. Starting with the Greeks, each major god had a specific appropriate sacrifice. For Zeus, it was a white bull with no black hair on its body. For another god I can't remember right now, it was a red dog. For Hades, it was a black bull (I think, it's been some time).
These concepts have faded over the years, of course. For starters, we don't tend to believe in the ancient pantheons anymore. Some do, but it's fallen out of common practice. Secondly, it's damn hard to come up with a white bull whenever you need one. It's not like you can walk down and grab one from the local herd. Livestock in general is in shorter common supply nowadays, and the authorities frown on animal sacrifice in general. Plus it's messy, and there's a distinct lack of practiced individuals to do it right.
Luckily, there is an alternative.
Whereas ancients might go to whatever food source they had at hand, in general foods of the harvest and their herds, we can also go to our own foods at hand: snack food. Specifically, snack cakes. Easy to get, with an appropriate filling (the filling is important for the augury) and tasty to boot. It's the perfect modern representation.
Therefore, when your daimon (or daemon, depending on your software) seems threatened and unable to perform its appointed task, or if the lag monster is trying to eat you, dig out the sacrificial plate and place the snack food upon it. I personally recommend going with Hostess snack cakes in this particular scenario, but you can improvise as you see fit with what's at hand. Twinkies are for petitioning the forces of good and encouraging things to work well (all white, typically used while calling on the God of Computer Function), while ding-dongs are for warding against evil (all black, used to placate the God of Technical Difficulties). You can use the raspberry zingers to ward against corn fungus/viruses as an alternate option, though I've not experimented with it greatly. The following example sacrifice will deal with twinkies, but you can do the same with your sacrifice of choice.
1) Lay the twinkie on the plate. It must be unwrapped and whole, without flaw. No dented twinkies, and don't squish it too hard and accidentally displace the filling. You'll need that later. Take the plate to the computer desk.
2) Chant appropriately. "Oh Computer Daemon, accept this offering and perform thy function with all ease!" Handwaving is good, but don't get too exuberant. Show the twinkie to the monitor and to the hard drive, holding the plate out toward it. If it beeps or a light flickers, the sacrifice is accepted. If a pop-up shows up on the screen, your sacrifice was found unworthy.
3a) If you are satisfied that the computer has accepted the sacrifice, commence with eating the twinkie in a serious manner. You are consuming it for the gods, after all.
3b) If you wish to read the future in the entrails of the sacrifice, turn the twinkie over on its back. Take a knife (you did bring a knife to a sacrifice, right?) and slice it down the center, along the holes. Place it incision-side down and squeeze it, having a firm grasp, until some filling comes out. Study the design left on the plate while you munch the rest of it.
2) The Exorcism.
This is prefered for dealing with hardware/software issues.
1) Troubleshoot the problem.
2) Apply solutions. If the solutions can't fix the problem and you're fairly certain it is being obstinate rather than truly ill, move on to stage three.
3) Get out the candles and place them decoratively around the area. Make it look imposing. Your computer should be nervous.
4) Take on a stern expression. Face your computer and assume a commanding stance. Holding a large stick sometimes helps.
5) Using only your hand, point dramatically at the computer. In stenorian tones, shout the following: "Computer, I command thee to UNFUCK THYSELF!!!" If necessary, whap it firmly (but not too hard) across the top of the case.
6) Repeat as necessary or until people start looking at you funny.
