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May. 10th, 2010 09:57 pmHard day. Hard night. Finally did force myself to eat something. Felt a bit better after the fact, but still. Hoping tomorrow is better.
Realized something important.... I was crashing hard and having a new wave of guilt and pain over the boys, when Nicole called. Talking to her I came to a realization. Its not just me moving. The boys are actually moving too... they aren't just going to their dad's house with more of their stuff. It's not as though my household will still be here only I won't be here to take care of it. Things aren't actually staying the same for the boys by default. They're moving, and things are changing, and that's okay. If their dad lived in another town entirely, I wouldn't be so torn up -- I'd know that all these things were going to change for the boys. By trying to make sure it all stayed stable after I wasn't here to make it that way, I've been tearing myself apart over something that was never the case in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still hurting, and it still makes me crazy that I'm not knowing where they're going to school in the fall, or that I can't make sure Will's in little league next year if he wants to be, and I don't know about Al's hobbies for next year... But I'm trying to hold onto and control things that aren't within my control, even though it feels like they should be.
My sons, by the way, when I greeted them with this news this evening, said basically, "Yeah, we know." I asked them if they knew this all along, and they both said yes. We agreed that I'd been pretty silly not to figure this out sooner. I told them they were smarter than I was, and Will said, "well, sometimes. About some things." And then he smiled at me really sweetly.
Oh, and when I was telling Will about a prospective apartment and showing him pictures, he looked at me and gave me a big hug and said, "You're going to have a great life."
I have great kids. I don't necessarily forget that, but sometimes I see it less clearly than others. Today I saw it all over again. I'm a very lucky woman.
Realized something important.... I was crashing hard and having a new wave of guilt and pain over the boys, when Nicole called. Talking to her I came to a realization. Its not just me moving. The boys are actually moving too... they aren't just going to their dad's house with more of their stuff. It's not as though my household will still be here only I won't be here to take care of it. Things aren't actually staying the same for the boys by default. They're moving, and things are changing, and that's okay. If their dad lived in another town entirely, I wouldn't be so torn up -- I'd know that all these things were going to change for the boys. By trying to make sure it all stayed stable after I wasn't here to make it that way, I've been tearing myself apart over something that was never the case in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still hurting, and it still makes me crazy that I'm not knowing where they're going to school in the fall, or that I can't make sure Will's in little league next year if he wants to be, and I don't know about Al's hobbies for next year... But I'm trying to hold onto and control things that aren't within my control, even though it feels like they should be.
My sons, by the way, when I greeted them with this news this evening, said basically, "Yeah, we know." I asked them if they knew this all along, and they both said yes. We agreed that I'd been pretty silly not to figure this out sooner. I told them they were smarter than I was, and Will said, "well, sometimes. About some things." And then he smiled at me really sweetly.
Oh, and when I was telling Will about a prospective apartment and showing him pictures, he looked at me and gave me a big hug and said, "You're going to have a great life."
I have great kids. I don't necessarily forget that, but sometimes I see it less clearly than others. Today I saw it all over again. I'm a very lucky woman.
