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It's a process.
May. 4th, 2011 02:36 pmThis totally isn't what I'm supposed to be writing right now, but I'm doing my best. I'm not getting what I'm trying to concentrate on done, so instead I'll get this out of my system and then go back to it.
I've finished the first year of my MA. I'm in the midst of getting my last paper together to hand off -- it's taking longer than I've wanted, but I've no one to blame for that but me, so so be it. It's been a long, hard year in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, it's been a wonderful year. But grad school, being away from my kids, being in a new place, a new household, a new relationship... it's kinda crazy making. So many of the responsibilities I was used to are gone, taken over by others. At the same time, there's a host of new ones, most of them dealing just with me.
I'd thought the year before was the year of me. I was totally wrong. This school year, since last June when I moved... this has been the year of me. I'm stretching myself to find out how strong I really am in some areas, while being confronted head-on with my deficiencies and lack of talent in others. I feel lopsided, really... I don't have to be successful at everything because I'm not the only one around anymore. Yet, at the same time, when I'm not successful at something, it impacts someone else (especially when they're better at whatever it is than I am). I'm becoming more concentrated, more boiled down to essentials, and while that's a good thing, I can't help but feel concern for the parts I'm sort of letting go out of focus. Not too much, though -- there's too much still to do.
My hair is purple more often than not these days and I doubt I'll be letting that go--maybe long enough to job hunt when I get my doctorate, but that's a few years off still. I have a new tattoo of an open labyrinth on my hip, a reminder that though the way is confusing, there are more ins and outs than I realize. My nails are short and painted purple, and I'm discovering much to my amazement that I really like it. I stand out here, with my Seattle hair and clothes and expectations, and although I find it disconcerting, as one who never stood out anywhere -- I'm not finding it oppressive. Certainly not enough to change. I am different, and for the first time I'm okay with that.
I miss my kids like bejeezus, but they will be with me soon. I have good friends and gaming buddies and people to write with and talk about literature with and play games with and go out of my way for, and that's more than I'd expected to ever have. I have adopted family here who get me, along with the blood family I have who don't, really, but love me anyway. I feel so incredibly blessed, despite the fact that my religion has largely left me. I have a man who wraps me up in his arms at night when we go to sleep, who looks after me when I'm ill, and who is, strangely enough, happy that I'm in his life, complications from that and all.
I am slowly finding myself, and doing so among people who like the end result. I am deeply fortunate. Yay for everything! :)
I've finished the first year of my MA. I'm in the midst of getting my last paper together to hand off -- it's taking longer than I've wanted, but I've no one to blame for that but me, so so be it. It's been a long, hard year in so many ways. Don't get me wrong, it's been a wonderful year. But grad school, being away from my kids, being in a new place, a new household, a new relationship... it's kinda crazy making. So many of the responsibilities I was used to are gone, taken over by others. At the same time, there's a host of new ones, most of them dealing just with me.
I'd thought the year before was the year of me. I was totally wrong. This school year, since last June when I moved... this has been the year of me. I'm stretching myself to find out how strong I really am in some areas, while being confronted head-on with my deficiencies and lack of talent in others. I feel lopsided, really... I don't have to be successful at everything because I'm not the only one around anymore. Yet, at the same time, when I'm not successful at something, it impacts someone else (especially when they're better at whatever it is than I am). I'm becoming more concentrated, more boiled down to essentials, and while that's a good thing, I can't help but feel concern for the parts I'm sort of letting go out of focus. Not too much, though -- there's too much still to do.
My hair is purple more often than not these days and I doubt I'll be letting that go--maybe long enough to job hunt when I get my doctorate, but that's a few years off still. I have a new tattoo of an open labyrinth on my hip, a reminder that though the way is confusing, there are more ins and outs than I realize. My nails are short and painted purple, and I'm discovering much to my amazement that I really like it. I stand out here, with my Seattle hair and clothes and expectations, and although I find it disconcerting, as one who never stood out anywhere -- I'm not finding it oppressive. Certainly not enough to change. I am different, and for the first time I'm okay with that.
I miss my kids like bejeezus, but they will be with me soon. I have good friends and gaming buddies and people to write with and talk about literature with and play games with and go out of my way for, and that's more than I'd expected to ever have. I have adopted family here who get me, along with the blood family I have who don't, really, but love me anyway. I feel so incredibly blessed, despite the fact that my religion has largely left me. I have a man who wraps me up in his arms at night when we go to sleep, who looks after me when I'm ill, and who is, strangely enough, happy that I'm in his life, complications from that and all.
I am slowly finding myself, and doing so among people who like the end result. I am deeply fortunate. Yay for everything! :)
