An epiphany!

[eurydicebound]

So I've been doing research on ADHD for my son, so that I can be as informed as possible, and in the course of this, I've come to a startling conclusion: I have ADD.

I was always able to get good grades and do pretty well in school so long as I had a book to read, so it was never something that came up before. No one ever suspected I had it, nor checked anything to see if I did. I was never hyper active, though apparently I could (and can) hyperconcentrate with the best of them. I just went through life and did my best, and rarely encounted any real difficulties until after I left home.

When I got out into the real world, however, I discovered some problems. First, I had a hard time sitting still for extended periods of time. There were some jobs where I stood or moved around all the time anyway. There were other jobs, though, where I worked the phones or did some other sort of carefully monitored work, and although my results were fantastic, I was never able to stay within the company-prescribed numbers -- ever. Over 3 companies. At FASA, that was the first job at which I could get up and wander around every so often without my bosses minding. I felt crummy about doing it, as I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stay still either, but I got the work done and it was good, and I was still doing it faster than most people could, so no one minded.

I've always had a hard time being on time for things, or being forgetful about appointments and other such things. I don't usually miss them altogether, but 5 or 10 minutes late is not uncommon for me. When I'm just by myself, I can usually compensate for it, but when I have to orchestrate getting my husband and children ready as well (all of which often have to be literally herded into getting shoes on, etc.), I can't be on time for anything to save my life.

When I sit, I fidget. Regularly. Just a little, but I do.

When I'm editing, I can always just dive right in, but writing is WORK. As a result, I find that when I first start working on a project, I end up procrastinating and wanting to give up, feeling that it's just too hard. I push my way through it, but it takes time to do so. This is true of every writing project I do. Every one. It's also true of GMing, or playing highly rules-intensive games. Or playing videogames with too many buttons. I'd rather give up than spend time on it feeling frustrated. This is apparently a normal thing for people with ADD. Who'd have known?

I tend to finish other people's sentences or answer their questions before they finish asking them. I try not to do it often, as it seems extremely rude, but if I'm not careful or if I'm concentrating too hard, then I'll end up doing it. This is also another indicator.

So basically, I suddenly understand why I do what I do, and why I'm NEVER going back to a normal 9 to 5 job. Never. I'd suck at it. It would be horrible. I'm tired of failing, really. No more.

If I do have to go back to work, then I'll make sure to find a place that can accomodate my work habits and needs. This will not be as easy as it sounds, but I think being in the game industry is a good step. If ever there were a group that screamed "non-traditional workplace," this is it.

It also means that there's a reason I have a ritual that I do whenever I start work. That I'm not just slacking when I drop something in the middle and wander away or pull up a browser. That I get frustrated when the kids interrupt me and I have to get back in my work mindset by doing my ritual stuff all over again.

Having this realization also gives me a better line on my kids. I'm so going to fight for them now, because I know what this is like. Dear heavens, to think how many years I thought I was just lazy or stupid. The mind boggles.

And what do you know... it's now a bright new day. :)

Comments

[anidada.livejournal.com]

Amazing what having an explanation for things can do, isn't it! *hug* I'm sure it will help you as much as it'll help your boys. Girls aren't diagnosed as often because we usually aren't obviously hyperactive. I think there's far more of us out there than we know, frankly.

It's possible your parents are affected, too. Both my mum and dad exhibited signs of ADD, which only became apparent to me when I was diagnosed, myself. The good thing is, though our folks might not have known what was up with us, at least it isn't a mystery anymore, because it'll be so much better for ourselves and our kids. Better late than never. :)

[elissa-carey.livejournal.com]

Having an explanation sure does help. :) Jeff is pretty sure to almost dead certain he's got ADD although he'd never been diagnosed with it, either ... same indicators. There's also the tell-tale of caffinated-anything having a calming (rather than hyping) effect on him. (Which, if you don't already have a soda, or coffee, or tea budget ... well, it may help for when you want to concentrate despite potential distractions.)

I don't have ADD, although I do suspect that I'm borderline and/or a carrier. I sometimes exhibit some of the same characteristics, but not consistently, and the tell-tale above doesn't work on me.

[themoocow.livejournal.com]

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<<So I've been doing research on ADHD for my son,>>

Has he been officially diagnosed by a doctor that isn't a quack? ;)

<<I have ADD.>>

Welcome to the club. *MooCow hands you a t-shirt*

<<If I do have to go back to work, then I'll make sure to find a place that can accomodate my work habits and needs. This will not be as easy as it sounds, but I think being in the game industry is a good step. If ever there were a group that screamed "non-traditional workplace," this is it.>>

Just a note on this. ADD is covered by the Americans with Disabilities act of 1990. Technically, an employer must be willing to make reasonable accomodations (such as giving you cubical walls or allowing for excessive time spent moving around the office).

[anaka.livejournal.com]

Oh, there's no question that my dad has it, and all signs point to his mother before him. It gets harder to track after that.

[anaka.livejournal.com]

Heh. No, no doctor at all, yet. Just a bunch of possible warning signs and school-sponsored testing. I have neither insurance nor money, so I'm putting off the actual doctor visit about it... possibly until May, when with any luck David will have graduated, been hired on with a local company, and have us covered with insurance.

I've been reading about ADD and the Disabilities Act, actually. I almost think it's worth getting an official diagnosis, just for that in case I have to go back to work somewhere.

Oh, and if you'll forgive me? I'm not surprised to see you've got it too. I hadn't put it together, but all the charming personality and hyperactivity fits right in. :)

[eynowd.livejournal.com]

I suspect that may be part of my problem as well. I have the attention span of a goldfish somedays, but large doses of caffiene quite often do help. One of my younger brothers was diagnosed with ADD, so it's not like it's not in the family.

Good luck with both you and the kids on that front though. Sometimes just knowing something is enough to let you adjust the situation to make it easier for everyone.

[themoocow.livejournal.com]

Oh, and if you'll forgive me? I'm not surprised to see you've got it too. I hadn't put it together, but all the charming personality and hyperactivity fits right in.

Yeah, since the second grade. I'm telling you, there is nothing more entertaing then reading my old psych reports. ;)

With that in mind, something I would caution you about. Do not be afraid of medication. You will find tons of groups on the internet that will tell you that medication is the last thing you want to do. These people are stupid. I would never have gotten through school without ritalin. It was not until Highschool that I had the emotional/intellectual development neccesary to go sans medicine.

I'm not saying you /should/ medicate your child (everyone is different), but do not eliminate it as a viable solution to the problem.

[trollbabe.livejournal.com]

Okay, now I'm just scared. Or... not scared. But a little freaked.

Because yeah... I can hyperconcentrate with the best of them (my mom used to just SCREAM because I'd be reading and she'd yell for me from the living room and I honestly wouldn't hear her), and a lot of the other indicators you mentioned I have. Like, a LOT.

Ugh. I've got so much on my plate already, I wish I had time to do some research on this. Because I've wondered about this in myself before, and... huh. I was always afraid of re-working my perceptions to fit the diagnosis, if you know what I mean.

But to see them all listed out like that... yeah. Wow.

Thinking about it, I think the only reason I've managed in the 9 to 5 world is because for me, typing is a little bit "zen", so I can just disappear into it and suddenly hours pass without me noticing. It can be very nice.

Oh. Dude. My brain hurts. Oh man. Caz just read this over my shoulder and also commented it sounded a lot like me. Though, it's funny, somehow I retrained myself not to fidget. I used to fidget ALL the time. Endlessly. But I read somewhere it made you look unprofessional or something, and so I stopped hand-fidgeting, and then my foot-shaking thing drove Caz crazy so finally that stopped too.

So weird.

[anidada.livejournal.com]

Very true about the caffeine. It's unreal what a cuppa java will do for clarity and focus (for anyone, of course, but particularly for those of us who struggle with it otherwise).

[anaka.livejournal.com]

And now you know why I think freelancing is a really good move for you. :)