![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I do. I literally do. Well, that's not entirely true. I don't actually hate my children. Or my parents. Or even potentially my husband. Most people I'm actually okay with, so long as I'm not forced to interact with them much.
The things I do hate, however: I hate that I even with the ability to put $500 down, I am too poor and historically broke to get a car. I hate that I have no home of my own. I hate that I have no furniture I can reasonably claim. I hate that the few limited posessions I do have are rotting in storage, and have been for three damn years now, and won't be worth keeping once they're out. I hate that I can't make a living and support a family at this job, for reasons which have nothing to do with the jobs I've been getting and everything to do with me. I hate that I have very few/no alternatives to freelancing if I want to keep this career, not with the experience/lack of degree I have. I hate that if I were to find one, it would require moving far, far away from where I am and possibly abandoning the people I care about and am responsible for. I hate that this is the only damn thing I've ever been good at professionally, so it feels like it means either giving up my soul to work at Wal-Mart or having an income. I hate that I have nothing to fall back on. I hate that someone so screwed with my husband, way back in the past, that I may very well lose him and my marriage and everything I've worked for. I hate that if I were to walk away right now, he probably wouldn't be able to finish his degree. Again. I just.... I just hate it. All of it. I either want to lay down and not wake up or just run somewhere and make a real fucking life for myself. I've given up literally everything (or had it taken from me by An Unfortunate Chain of Events) over the past few years and I've got nothing left to give except my job. Nothing. And until or unless my huband finishes and finds a job and figures out how to hold onto it, and figures out how to fix himself and what he wants, I have to live with it. And keep on giving.
I'm seriously near the end of my rope. I can't even buy groceries until the next check comes in. I'm living out of my mom's grocery store and her house and thanking God I paid most of this month's bills ahead of time when I had money last month.
The thing that triggered all of this, by the way, is when I called the car dealership today. The Cavalier is out of the question. He'd be willing to sell me the Camry, but only if I put down $1300 and pay $150 every two weeks until it's paid off. He won't charge me interest on it, but that's as low as he can go. I still have to pay off the check that bounced for David's last semester when the payment I was expecting didn't come through and I was left $300 shy of the check. I didn't want to pay it then, but if I didn't then he couldn't enroll, and if he couldn't enroll, he might not have been able to graduate in May, and it was the last day of enrollment for that semester so I trusted that the check would come in, and it didn't, and the world didn't end, and here we are. In short, though I can pay that bill now by the end of the month, I can't afford the car under the only terms I can get.
I hate everything.
The things I do hate, however: I hate that I even with the ability to put $500 down, I am too poor and historically broke to get a car. I hate that I have no home of my own. I hate that I have no furniture I can reasonably claim. I hate that the few limited posessions I do have are rotting in storage, and have been for three damn years now, and won't be worth keeping once they're out. I hate that I can't make a living and support a family at this job, for reasons which have nothing to do with the jobs I've been getting and everything to do with me. I hate that I have very few/no alternatives to freelancing if I want to keep this career, not with the experience/lack of degree I have. I hate that if I were to find one, it would require moving far, far away from where I am and possibly abandoning the people I care about and am responsible for. I hate that this is the only damn thing I've ever been good at professionally, so it feels like it means either giving up my soul to work at Wal-Mart or having an income. I hate that I have nothing to fall back on. I hate that someone so screwed with my husband, way back in the past, that I may very well lose him and my marriage and everything I've worked for. I hate that if I were to walk away right now, he probably wouldn't be able to finish his degree. Again. I just.... I just hate it. All of it. I either want to lay down and not wake up or just run somewhere and make a real fucking life for myself. I've given up literally everything (or had it taken from me by An Unfortunate Chain of Events) over the past few years and I've got nothing left to give except my job. Nothing. And until or unless my huband finishes and finds a job and figures out how to hold onto it, and figures out how to fix himself and what he wants, I have to live with it. And keep on giving.
I'm seriously near the end of my rope. I can't even buy groceries until the next check comes in. I'm living out of my mom's grocery store and her house and thanking God I paid most of this month's bills ahead of time when I had money last month.
The thing that triggered all of this, by the way, is when I called the car dealership today. The Cavalier is out of the question. He'd be willing to sell me the Camry, but only if I put down $1300 and pay $150 every two weeks until it's paid off. He won't charge me interest on it, but that's as low as he can go. I still have to pay off the check that bounced for David's last semester when the payment I was expecting didn't come through and I was left $300 shy of the check. I didn't want to pay it then, but if I didn't then he couldn't enroll, and if he couldn't enroll, he might not have been able to graduate in May, and it was the last day of enrollment for that semester so I trusted that the check would come in, and it didn't, and the world didn't end, and here we are. In short, though I can pay that bill now by the end of the month, I can't afford the car under the only terms I can get.
I hate everything.
