(no subject)

[eurydicebound]

Well, today we met with the school counselor, psychologist, nurse, principal, and teachers of my two sons in two basically back-to-back meetings. In the first, we realized that the reason the meeting had been called had basically gone away, and my younger son had improved in nearly everything that concerned them in the month or so since we set it up. Yay, much happy news.

The second meeting was born out of that one, though, and out of my older son's tendency to have an explosive outburst in class every week and a half or so -- sort of a "while we're all here, let's get this started" opportunity. So we talked and discussed and generally got the ball rolling to find a way to help him and to figure out why this is happening, as it's generally agreed that it's not a manipulative or vengeful sort of behavior, but rather a sort of meltdown. After much questioning and answering and discussion of possibilities and behaviors, the words "autistic spectrum" were tentatively applied and it was agreed that much broad-based testing would commence. The good news out of that one was that it was generally agreed that it was unlikely he had ADHD, as had been previously queried by his former school, and that the staff there are uniformly dedicated to helping him rather than punishing him.

I'm pretty much lost right now. I'm no sure what we can do to help him, but I'm not all that worried about him over the long-term. He copes pretty well and does well in school, has friends and does pretty well socially. I'm relatively sure he doesn't have Asperger's or anything like that, but I'll be honest and say that it's just my gut instinct at this point. I think he'll be fine later on... but for now we need to help him in the short term, and I've no clue how to even begin, or if I'm even on the right path. Any suggestions for references, resources, anecdotes or just sympathy are greatly appreciated.

Comments

[bruceb.livejournal.com]

You've certainly got my sympathy.

I wonder - and this is purely blue-sky speculation based on the most tentative association with parts of my own experience - whether an acting-related approach could help with some of this. Helping him let out the minor frustrations before they build up the way he would if he were someone else who didn't have the particular obstacle in the way. I basically roleplayed my way out of some real shyness that way: "What would I do if I weren't held back by this?", and then playing the part of someone who could do that, until it gradually sunk in.

[anaka.livejournal.com]

They say that directed role-playing can be a very effective tool. I think it's one of the things they're going to be doing with him, and we'll be doing it at home as well.

[metallian.livejournal.com]

Of course, you definitely have my sympathy. From reading your LJ it sounds like you have a cool couple of kids, so I'm sorry he has to deal whatever it is that's troubling him. I am very glad to hear that he's in good shape as far as the big picture goes, though.

As far as resources...well, IIRC, there are a number of fine folks on Tangency who have coped quite well with a variety of challenges from shyness to ADHD to Asperger's. Both themselves and with their kids. Of course it's not the same as a forum dedicated to such things, but it is full of articulate, thoughtful people who know and like you.

[trollbabe.livejournal.com]

Oh man. Well, I'm really glad to hear that the school folks are in a help-mode on this, which is great.

Is there a possibility that this is some lingering effects from the move? I mean, for all that living with your folks was often crazy-making for you, it's possible that he's missing them, or missing some other aspect of life pre-move that he hasn't figured out how to articulate yet. Or perhaps he doesn't feel he /can/ articulate if he's feeling ambivalent about the move, seeing as how it's made things a lot better for everyone else.

Being the oldest kid (I don't know if you're an oldest as well or not) can be a real head-trip sometimes - I know I spent a lot of my childhood shouldering worries and fears that just weren't mine to deal with. Some of that, of course, was because I was raised by a pack of howler monkeys. But the other part was just because... well, like I said - being oldest can be a real head-trip. I think it's mostly because being a kid means thinking most things in the world are about you (because your world just isn't that big yet, so most things you know about are, indeed, about you), and being the oldest means turning that "all about you" into "all your responsibility".

Perhaps he fears that if he says something about some ambivalent feelings he's having, (I'm just a-running with my little theory here, don't mind me) somehow he'll screw up all the good fortune you guys are having and it'll be all his fault. I know that's how I would have reacted when I was near his age, anyway. And since he's a little kid, he can only worry about this for so long before it all becomes too much and he just bursts at the seams with it.

I don't know that it's any comfort, but I know I spent a good portion of 4th grade getting sick every Wednesday. It turned out I was developing a stress ulcer of some sort, though to this day, I have no idea why it was happening. The prevailing theory at the time was to do with a teacher I was intimidated by, but I honestly think that's just too simplistic.

Anyway. Enough rambling from me.

You guys will weather this, chica. He's got you on his side, which is no small thing, and you've got his school's backup and cooperation, so I'm sure you guys will be able to figure something out with all this and find a good solution for him, as well as getting to the root of whatever's causing this.

(Hmm. Just a side-thought - is there any chance he's picked up on some of the problems with your marriage? Perhaps if he's already been worrying about that, compounded with fears related to the move - he could be having some real abandonment worries or something similar.)

[trollbabe.livejournal.com]

Oh, and we got your Christmas card - thank you very much. And such cute boys, too.

[anidada.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that you're getting far more rational help at this school than you've had previously -- looks like they're determined to figure out what's going on, at the very least, not just slap a label on him (or prescribe meds) and be done with it. Given that he's otherwise socially and academically okay, all things considered, there's got to be ways to sort out whatever it is that's making him boil over periodically.

I agree with the other folks that there's a lot going on in his life these days that could easily be triggering this sort of behaviour. Geez, I can't even imagine how you've managed to cope, yourself -- it must be so much harder for him, since he doesn't have all the pieces of the puzzle and has pretty much no control over anything, but has to deal with some of the effects...

Acting/role-playing is a very good idea, and maybe (though I don't know how motivated he would be to do this) writing or recording stories or thoughts would help, too. Is he too young for a pen-and-paper journal, do you think? Maybe a tape recorder? Sports (esp. individual full-body physical ones, like gymnastics or circus arts) might be a good way for him to let off steam, too. Do they have a regular phys ed program at his school? Whatever it is that he hyperfocuses on is probably the best choice for a safety valve -- if it helps him articulate what's going on inside, so much the better.

The other thing is, if this is fairly regular, or if it can even be predicted or anticipated, maybe there's an external trigger (I've probably mentioned this stuff before, but it's worth talking about). Does this happen at certain times (day, week, etc.), when studying certain subjects (maybe he's panicking, for some reason -- inability to understand the subject, a phobia about something he's studying, etc.), when he's around certain people (different teacher, or maybe a student with whom he has issues, or maybe someone in the room is wearing something strongly scented), or in certain environments (the lighting may be different, or the air quality, or the seating arrangements...)? What's he eating and wearing on those days (it could be that he's allergic or sensitive to something)? How's he sleeping the night before?

Maybe a chart of all this stuff (that the staff at his school can work with, too) is in order, at least for a little while. Can't hurt, anyway.

The great thing is, you're all in a much more rational state of being (in every respect) than you were before -- that's no small potatoes. And, with improvement in one, you at least get some breathing room to focus on the other, rather than having to juggle two unsettled lads at once! Hang in there, mama. *hug*

[anaka.livejournal.com]

Well, he hyperfocuses on storytelling and games, from RPG to board to computer. That's an easy motivation, at least.

My theory on the trigger is that he's concentrating very hard at school, and the stress wears on him until he snaps and lets out all that energy. I mean, otherwise his behavior is very good. He's gotten better at getting his work done and turning it in on time and everything, but now his meltdows are escalating as well. The school psychologist doesn't discount this entirely, but also doesn't really agree with it.

Meltdowns seem to happen roughly every week and a half, though sometimes more often and sometimes less. He often says he didn 't get enough sleep, though now he tends to mean that if he doesn't remember a dream, he didn't sleep well. I'm not sure that's valid. He does normally remember his dreams, but I assume people often have nights when they don't without incident, even when they're young.

According to his teacher, there's no particular time of day or subject during which it happens. The unifying factor is that it's always something that throws him off -- one day he had to get back in line but didn't remember where his spot was (he didn't have to be in line in any particular order... everyone had gotten out of line, but he felt like he had to be back in the same exact spot), he dropped his pencil, he was expecting a given picture on his paper but something else was there instead, he wasn't done with his project and freaks out -- it's something unexpected or frustrating that he hadn't accounted for, and it's as though it's the last straw. There's no common thread that we've found in clothing, though I haven't checked into food yet.

I was mentioning this to someone else, and really, it's not as though he is lacking for symptomology on the autistic spectrum. None of it was severe enough to warrent a problem, though... at least not until now . I just thought it was Alisdair. I never thought for a moment that it was something else altogether. That probably doesn't make sense, but that's the only way I can explain it. It's hard to know what isn't normal when all you know is your child. Normal for them is normal, period.

[anaka.livejournal.com]

Well, the mom in me says, "No, I don't think the marriage is affecting this" while the observer says "Hmmmm." We live in a small house. He'd have to pick up on it. At the same time, though, I haven't observed any of his normal "I'm worried" behaviors at home, and we don't hide things from them. I might be feeling sad one day, but I just let the kids know I'm sad and collect hugs all around, and then tell them how much better that makes me feel. Heck, David gives me hugs when I'm sad, too. We still show affection, both to each other and the kids, and there's been no fighting in front of them. I dunno. The things that freaked me out when my parents had problems are notably absent, so it's hard for me to say.

This is all good stuff to talk to him about, though. I'll keep that in mind for tonight.

[trollbabe.livejournal.com]

Hey, this just occurred to me as just the kind of bizarro kid-logic that the wee beasties sometimes come up with: He was having some problems in his old school, and then you guys moved, and I seem to recall a few bumps in the road, but now he's doing well and is actually really really focused on doing well in school. Perhaps he's constructed one of those weird kid-logic scenarios in which he's the reason you guys moved - because he wasn't doing well in school? Which could be causing him to put amazing amounts of pressure on himself, obviously.

Totally out of my bum here, but I figured I'd throw it out there as it occurred to me as another possibility.

[anaka.livejournal.com]

Heck, could be. Worth talking to him about, in any case.

[anaka.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it. :) I didn't send pictures of the kids to everyone, as I always felt a little odd getting pictures of other people's kids whom I hadn't met, but I thought you guys might be interested enough to make it worthwhile. :)

[anidada.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Maybe he's afraid of messing up and having to move again or change schools. Or, maybe it's a reaction to the busyness and chaos of the past year and he's just trying to find his own measure of control for his own sake -- those things may be small to other folks, but to him, they're tests of his hold on the world. Adults know (usually) that they can't control everything, but kids have this invincible-yet-helpless thing going on most of the time -- and for deep thinkers, it surely causes a lot of anxiety.

Armchair psychology, obviously, but anyway...

[themoocow.livejournal.com]

Best of luck with this. My gut instinct says to kill any school officials that come near your child, but then again the hopeful will say that it's likely public schools have gotten better about dealing with learning disabilities and such in the last 20 years.

Still, not that you need to be told, but make sure you get second opinions, and don't let them write him off. It sounds like they're committed to helping, but I still wouldn't trust them. I'm not paranoid or anything though. Honest. ;)

[anaka.livejournal.com]

Regrettably, sometimes you have to trust them. You just trust them the same way a lion tamer trusts his charges: with a firm voice, a chair, and a whip.

[b3zsgirl.livejournal.com]

If you ever start to worry, you can tell yourself this. This is a way to make sure he gets an opportunity to do whatever life takes him to. My parents didn't believe in any of this stuff and still don't. I spent 32 years dealing with an ever worsening mental condition, and it is sheer force of will and a loving husband who are responsible for me living long enough to get help. I feel like a fog has been lifted and I can see back to where it started in all the old reportcards my mother inexplicably saved. If he learns to deal with it right now then nothing can stop him.

Whenever I have seen these things be a disaster it has started with the school being adversarial with the parents. It may be hard at first to work through and deal with, but it will be worth it. If you start to not feel comfortable with anything they are doing then make them stake a step back and justify it to you. Get that mother's intuition going.

[trollbabe.livejournal.com]

And a pistol tucked away somewhere, just in case. ;)

[(Anonymous)]

The fact that David still gives you hugs when necessary is *very* important. My best friend is currently living in a non-marriage: her husband has told her that he intends to stay married to her until the kids are grown up and move out of the house, but that she should expect no affection from him during that time (and with the youngest kid being 7 years old, that can be a long, affectionless stretch).

Spike