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Update:
Good News
Today, my oldest turns 6. He's managed to scrape his eyelid on a chair while putting on his shirt this morning, so added on top of the scrape on his cheek from a dirt clod thrown by his brother while playing Godzilla monsters and a scrape on the bridge of his nose when he did something else a few days ago, he looks like someone's been beating him up in his sleep. Still, I'm extraordinarily proud of him, and of his younger brother too. They're good kids, and I must be doing something right because neither of them is dead or killed anyone else yet. Most people even find them tolerable to be around, so that's something. :)
Bad News
I noticed David had been being more -- I dunno. Friendly? Loving? Something -- to me lately. It prompted me to break my own rule about dealing with stuff right now and ask if something had changed in his feelings. Turns out he was making an effort to not shut me out so much, but nothing had changed. He still doesn't want to be married to me, and still doesn't feel like he really loves me. So I took it in stride, let him know things were okay, then spent most of the evening trying desperately to squash all these emotions back down in a surfeit of late-night TV viewing.
Am I so bad that he can't love me? Is there something about me that's so repulsive that no one in their right mind would want to be in a relationship with me? I know, this isn't about me. I can't help but feel some degree of self-judgement about it, regardless. David is the only man who ever pursued me in a relationship where it was obvious it could go somewhere. I've only ever met two other men I've felt that sort of attraction for, and came to find out later that both of them were both reluctant and/or felt I'd been aggressive in pushing the boundaries of the relationship, something I'd never intended to do. The other times were when the guy was married or otherwise unwilling or unable to be in a relationship, or very up-front about the idea that sex could be fun but they had no intentions of hanging around for anything more.
I feel so damn hopeless about the whole situation. I don't honestly believe therapy is going to help him love me again. Instead, I'm stuck for the next two years living with a man who doesn't love me, despite the fact that I do love him and probably always will. He wants to hang out with me and be friends, though. That's helpful. Doesn't want to really talk to me or be married to me, but thinks it's fun to play games together.
In the meantime, I feel unworthy, unloved, unattractive, and generally unpleasant to be around because that's what I see reflected in his eyes most of the time. Or rather, it's not that he seems to have those negative feelings toward me. It's instead that he has very few positive ones, being largely taken up with his own issues. I can't even fathom trying to date again, but I'd almost welcome the chance to start instead of living a charade for the next few years, watching him finish his degree and finally get money and a job doing something he loves, and being healthy and happy in a life I can't be a part of.
Okay, time to try and drown myself in work again.
Good News
Today, my oldest turns 6. He's managed to scrape his eyelid on a chair while putting on his shirt this morning, so added on top of the scrape on his cheek from a dirt clod thrown by his brother while playing Godzilla monsters and a scrape on the bridge of his nose when he did something else a few days ago, he looks like someone's been beating him up in his sleep. Still, I'm extraordinarily proud of him, and of his younger brother too. They're good kids, and I must be doing something right because neither of them is dead or killed anyone else yet. Most people even find them tolerable to be around, so that's something. :)
Bad News
I noticed David had been being more -- I dunno. Friendly? Loving? Something -- to me lately. It prompted me to break my own rule about dealing with stuff right now and ask if something had changed in his feelings. Turns out he was making an effort to not shut me out so much, but nothing had changed. He still doesn't want to be married to me, and still doesn't feel like he really loves me. So I took it in stride, let him know things were okay, then spent most of the evening trying desperately to squash all these emotions back down in a surfeit of late-night TV viewing.
Am I so bad that he can't love me? Is there something about me that's so repulsive that no one in their right mind would want to be in a relationship with me? I know, this isn't about me. I can't help but feel some degree of self-judgement about it, regardless. David is the only man who ever pursued me in a relationship where it was obvious it could go somewhere. I've only ever met two other men I've felt that sort of attraction for, and came to find out later that both of them were both reluctant and/or felt I'd been aggressive in pushing the boundaries of the relationship, something I'd never intended to do. The other times were when the guy was married or otherwise unwilling or unable to be in a relationship, or very up-front about the idea that sex could be fun but they had no intentions of hanging around for anything more.
I feel so damn hopeless about the whole situation. I don't honestly believe therapy is going to help him love me again. Instead, I'm stuck for the next two years living with a man who doesn't love me, despite the fact that I do love him and probably always will. He wants to hang out with me and be friends, though. That's helpful. Doesn't want to really talk to me or be married to me, but thinks it's fun to play games together.
In the meantime, I feel unworthy, unloved, unattractive, and generally unpleasant to be around because that's what I see reflected in his eyes most of the time. Or rather, it's not that he seems to have those negative feelings toward me. It's instead that he has very few positive ones, being largely taken up with his own issues. I can't even fathom trying to date again, but I'd almost welcome the chance to start instead of living a charade for the next few years, watching him finish his degree and finally get money and a job doing something he loves, and being healthy and happy in a life I can't be a part of.
Okay, time to try and drown myself in work again.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-05 07:18 pm (UTC)From:If he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be married to you, why are you letting him stick around to drag you down for another couple years? I know you guys have kids, and that complicates things no end, I'm certain. But... sigh.
It just seems to me that he gets to have everything his way, and you're stuck. And that's not fair. I know he's been through some horrible things, but that's no excuse to perpetuate horrible-ness to other people. And expecting you to support him and nurture him while he gets his act together enough to ditch you just sounds... it sounds like a seriously lousy bargain for you.
Like I say, maybe this isn't the kind of thing you want to hear right now, but the truth of that matter, as I see it, is this: You are a lovely, kind, wonderful person, and you deserve to spend your days if not with someone who sees all the tremendousness about you and more, then you deserve to spend your days learning how to see all that tremendousness yourself. And you can't be that person swallowing everything you feel and everything you are for his sake.
I don't want to seem callous or anything here, because... I do realize he's been through some horrible things. But that doesn't give him any right to ask you to go through humiliation and degradation to make up for what he's been through. That's not how these things work.
sigh. Okay, I probably have just been no help at all. But if there is any way (ANY WAY) that I can be of actual help, please let me know.
You deserve so much better than to be someone's punching bag.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-05 09:53 pm (UTC)From:Problem 2: He's in school full time with a 4.0 average, and we live 45 minutes away from the nearest town with jobs. He's on the latter end of a comp sci/math major, and him getting that is what will turn everything around financially for us. Part of that is making sure he can help me with the kids so I can work and make sure he can keep up his grades. He already takes freelance writing work to help out. Given that the goal is for him to finish his school as quickly as possible, I don't see him getting a job as a great option, especially just so he can move out on his own.
Problem 3: We live with my parents. This was intended to help us get him through school and give me help with the kids while he was stationed somewhere else. I've got nowhere to move to, other than moving out on my own, which would leave him here with my parents, which would not work for fairly obvious reasons.
Problem 4 and 5: We don't have a car currently, and are saving up to get one. If he's living on his own while we're separated, that means we need two cars and it's hard enough to afford one. In addition, we have a lot of debt, and it's mostly in my name due to various reasons.
Problem 6: My career. I love doing this, and I think that with another year or two I'll be pretty much self-supporting at it. Right now I'm not, though, at least not entirely. This summer's drama threw off my budget to the extent that I'm not sure how it's all going to turn out. The problem is that there isn't anything local that uses my skills, and driving 45 miles each way for a $6.50/hr job and paying for child care is no better than what I have now. I could try giving up what I love for a chance to scrape by working a job I hate, or I can tough this out a little longer and give my career a chance. I'm more tempted by the latter.
Basically, the options are as follows:
1) I could move out with the kids and he could move out, and we'd both have to get jobs to support two different places to live and the kids while he tries to finish school. A patently silly choice, and damned expensive.
2) He could move out, but that would leave me here with the kids to enjoy all the happiness of single parenting while he goes to school, I help support him, he works and finds a gaming group and generally gives up on the marriage altogether. Oh, and then I get the joy of being stuck here in BFE indefinitely. Yay.
3) We could both move out and get a place together, but then we have all the extra bills plus all the stuff I can skate by on now (that I wouldn't be able to then) and no extra babysitting, etc. Gas to and from the place would be cheaper, but we'd have no way to pay off debts or anything.
4) We stay put, he finishes school, we pay off some debts, he goes to therapy, and maybe we stay together. Then again, maybe we don't, but at least then he'll have a degree and a job and can pay alimony and child support, and a shot at maybe all of us moving somewhere else finally. Or not, who knows. At least then he could support himself and help me out so I could go back to school or keep my career or something.
There could be other possibilities, but they haven't occured to us. If you see one, let me know. I'd love to hear it.