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Aug. 2nd, 2003 10:49 pmWell, I suppose I should make an update again, so here goes.
Got back from GenCon. The con went well, and I have some leads on some very exciting gigs for late this year/early next year. It's all good so far. I went dancing for the first time since high school, and ended up not only having a good time, but being given a guy's room number. I was extremely flattered, and also a little wierded out. He was staying in my hotel and wanted to walk me home, but I wasn't comfortable with that. It's that whole married thing and all. So that was good, but really odd at the same time. I was in desperate need of an ego boost about then, though, so it was oddly reassuring.
Met eyebeams on Sunday, which was a lot of fun. He was kind enough to spring for my lunch as a thank you for the editing job I did on one of his books. It wasn't anything at all.... his writing was good enough that I barely had to do anything to it. Still, I was on the shady side of broke that day, so I horribly abused his generosity. I still remember enough of my college days that I rarely turn down free food. :) It was a lot of fun to meet him and his friends, though.
I got to meet Katherine Kurtz right as everything ended... didn't talk to her for very long, but I hope to remedy that next time. I met quite a few people from RPGnet and Bulldrek over the course of the con, and I even got brave enough to sing in public sans accompaniment (and no, I wasn't even drunk at the time). I hope I didn't make too much of an ass out of myself. It was just my inner attention whore coming to the surface. Nothing to see here, move along... Oh, and I finally got to have an extended conversation with GMS. A really cool individual. I like him muchly. Hopefully I'll have the chance to repeat the experience sometime in the future. He tells good stories.
Since I got home.... well, things haven't been quite as well.
Basically, David was much relieved by my absence, more so than he'd realized he would be. I kept not wanting to leave because I expected another cataclysm. This one just hit with a whimper instead of a bang. He now has issues being close with me because it's too much intimacy for him to handle, and because he simply doesn't feel love for me. Distant affection, yes; love, no.
He had his first therapy sort of session on Tuesday, and it really helped him feel a bit less like he's going insane. This is good. It didn't change his feelings about me or us, though, and that's bad. I didn't expect it to, but he was rather hoping it would. Basically, he finds it in himself to sort of enjoy my company, as long as there isn't too much of it. He doesn't want to give me up as a friend but doesn't want me to have a big place in his life anymore.
I am weary beyond reason by all of it. I am tired of having emotional episodes on a daily basis. I have just settled for a little distance, and allowed myself the luxury of shutting off my emotional side for right now. It is hardly a perfect solution, but neither is confronting him with tears and pointed comments every time I turn around. He isn't doing this on purpose or because he wants to hurt me. He doesn't have a lot of options right now, and he's doing his best to stay in the marriage and not hurt me. I am worried that emotional distance equals giving up on the relationship, and that by not waging a daily war, I'm sending up a surrender flag. There's nothing I can do, though. Relationship struggles aren't won by attrition... all that does is kill the very thing you set out to save. All I know to do is give him the space he wants and find a way to work everything else out first.
I still have no money and no car. I have hopes of money before the end of the month, but no sure way of getting it. I need to move out into my own place, but I have no way of achieving that either. All I can do currently is work, try like hell to actually finish something, and hope that it all comes out all right in the end.
Got back from GenCon. The con went well, and I have some leads on some very exciting gigs for late this year/early next year. It's all good so far. I went dancing for the first time since high school, and ended up not only having a good time, but being given a guy's room number. I was extremely flattered, and also a little wierded out. He was staying in my hotel and wanted to walk me home, but I wasn't comfortable with that. It's that whole married thing and all. So that was good, but really odd at the same time. I was in desperate need of an ego boost about then, though, so it was oddly reassuring.
Met eyebeams on Sunday, which was a lot of fun. He was kind enough to spring for my lunch as a thank you for the editing job I did on one of his books. It wasn't anything at all.... his writing was good enough that I barely had to do anything to it. Still, I was on the shady side of broke that day, so I horribly abused his generosity. I still remember enough of my college days that I rarely turn down free food. :) It was a lot of fun to meet him and his friends, though.
I got to meet Katherine Kurtz right as everything ended... didn't talk to her for very long, but I hope to remedy that next time. I met quite a few people from RPGnet and Bulldrek over the course of the con, and I even got brave enough to sing in public sans accompaniment (and no, I wasn't even drunk at the time). I hope I didn't make too much of an ass out of myself. It was just my inner attention whore coming to the surface. Nothing to see here, move along... Oh, and I finally got to have an extended conversation with GMS. A really cool individual. I like him muchly. Hopefully I'll have the chance to repeat the experience sometime in the future. He tells good stories.
Since I got home.... well, things haven't been quite as well.
Basically, David was much relieved by my absence, more so than he'd realized he would be. I kept not wanting to leave because I expected another cataclysm. This one just hit with a whimper instead of a bang. He now has issues being close with me because it's too much intimacy for him to handle, and because he simply doesn't feel love for me. Distant affection, yes; love, no.
He had his first therapy sort of session on Tuesday, and it really helped him feel a bit less like he's going insane. This is good. It didn't change his feelings about me or us, though, and that's bad. I didn't expect it to, but he was rather hoping it would. Basically, he finds it in himself to sort of enjoy my company, as long as there isn't too much of it. He doesn't want to give me up as a friend but doesn't want me to have a big place in his life anymore.
I am weary beyond reason by all of it. I am tired of having emotional episodes on a daily basis. I have just settled for a little distance, and allowed myself the luxury of shutting off my emotional side for right now. It is hardly a perfect solution, but neither is confronting him with tears and pointed comments every time I turn around. He isn't doing this on purpose or because he wants to hurt me. He doesn't have a lot of options right now, and he's doing his best to stay in the marriage and not hurt me. I am worried that emotional distance equals giving up on the relationship, and that by not waging a daily war, I'm sending up a surrender flag. There's nothing I can do, though. Relationship struggles aren't won by attrition... all that does is kill the very thing you set out to save. All I know to do is give him the space he wants and find a way to work everything else out first.
I still have no money and no car. I have hopes of money before the end of the month, but no sure way of getting it. I need to move out into my own place, but I have no way of achieving that either. All I can do currently is work, try like hell to actually finish something, and hope that it all comes out all right in the end.
