![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
An epiphany!
Dec. 3rd, 2003 10:48 amSo I've been doing research on ADHD for my son, so that I can be as informed as possible, and in the course of this, I've come to a startling conclusion: I have ADD.
I was always able to get good grades and do pretty well in school so long as I had a book to read, so it was never something that came up before. No one ever suspected I had it, nor checked anything to see if I did. I was never hyper active, though apparently I could (and can) hyperconcentrate with the best of them. I just went through life and did my best, and rarely encounted any real difficulties until after I left home.
When I got out into the real world, however, I discovered some problems. First, I had a hard time sitting still for extended periods of time. There were some jobs where I stood or moved around all the time anyway. There were other jobs, though, where I worked the phones or did some other sort of carefully monitored work, and although my results were fantastic, I was never able to stay within the company-prescribed numbers -- ever. Over 3 companies. At FASA, that was the first job at which I could get up and wander around every so often without my bosses minding. I felt crummy about doing it, as I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stay still either, but I got the work done and it was good, and I was still doing it faster than most people could, so no one minded.
I've always had a hard time being on time for things, or being forgetful about appointments and other such things. I don't usually miss them altogether, but 5 or 10 minutes late is not uncommon for me. When I'm just by myself, I can usually compensate for it, but when I have to orchestrate getting my husband and children ready as well (all of which often have to be literally herded into getting shoes on, etc.), I can't be on time for anything to save my life.
When I sit, I fidget. Regularly. Just a little, but I do.
When I'm editing, I can always just dive right in, but writing is WORK. As a result, I find that when I first start working on a project, I end up procrastinating and wanting to give up, feeling that it's just too hard. I push my way through it, but it takes time to do so. This is true of every writing project I do. Every one. It's also true of GMing, or playing highly rules-intensive games. Or playing videogames with too many buttons. I'd rather give up than spend time on it feeling frustrated. This is apparently a normal thing for people with ADD. Who'd have known?
I tend to finish other people's sentences or answer their questions before they finish asking them. I try not to do it often, as it seems extremely rude, but if I'm not careful or if I'm concentrating too hard, then I'll end up doing it. This is also another indicator.
So basically, I suddenly understand why I do what I do, and why I'm NEVER going back to a normal 9 to 5 job. Never. I'd suck at it. It would be horrible. I'm tired of failing, really. No more.
If I do have to go back to work, then I'll make sure to find a place that can accomodate my work habits and needs. This will not be as easy as it sounds, but I think being in the game industry is a good step. If ever there were a group that screamed "non-traditional workplace," this is it.
It also means that there's a reason I have a ritual that I do whenever I start work. That I'm not just slacking when I drop something in the middle and wander away or pull up a browser. That I get frustrated when the kids interrupt me and I have to get back in my work mindset by doing my ritual stuff all over again.
Having this realization also gives me a better line on my kids. I'm so going to fight for them now, because I know what this is like. Dear heavens, to think how many years I thought I was just lazy or stupid. The mind boggles.
And what do you know... it's now a bright new day. :)
I was always able to get good grades and do pretty well in school so long as I had a book to read, so it was never something that came up before. No one ever suspected I had it, nor checked anything to see if I did. I was never hyper active, though apparently I could (and can) hyperconcentrate with the best of them. I just went through life and did my best, and rarely encounted any real difficulties until after I left home.
When I got out into the real world, however, I discovered some problems. First, I had a hard time sitting still for extended periods of time. There were some jobs where I stood or moved around all the time anyway. There were other jobs, though, where I worked the phones or did some other sort of carefully monitored work, and although my results were fantastic, I was never able to stay within the company-prescribed numbers -- ever. Over 3 companies. At FASA, that was the first job at which I could get up and wander around every so often without my bosses minding. I felt crummy about doing it, as I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stay still either, but I got the work done and it was good, and I was still doing it faster than most people could, so no one minded.
I've always had a hard time being on time for things, or being forgetful about appointments and other such things. I don't usually miss them altogether, but 5 or 10 minutes late is not uncommon for me. When I'm just by myself, I can usually compensate for it, but when I have to orchestrate getting my husband and children ready as well (all of which often have to be literally herded into getting shoes on, etc.), I can't be on time for anything to save my life.
When I sit, I fidget. Regularly. Just a little, but I do.
When I'm editing, I can always just dive right in, but writing is WORK. As a result, I find that when I first start working on a project, I end up procrastinating and wanting to give up, feeling that it's just too hard. I push my way through it, but it takes time to do so. This is true of every writing project I do. Every one. It's also true of GMing, or playing highly rules-intensive games. Or playing videogames with too many buttons. I'd rather give up than spend time on it feeling frustrated. This is apparently a normal thing for people with ADD. Who'd have known?
I tend to finish other people's sentences or answer their questions before they finish asking them. I try not to do it often, as it seems extremely rude, but if I'm not careful or if I'm concentrating too hard, then I'll end up doing it. This is also another indicator.
So basically, I suddenly understand why I do what I do, and why I'm NEVER going back to a normal 9 to 5 job. Never. I'd suck at it. It would be horrible. I'm tired of failing, really. No more.
If I do have to go back to work, then I'll make sure to find a place that can accomodate my work habits and needs. This will not be as easy as it sounds, but I think being in the game industry is a good step. If ever there were a group that screamed "non-traditional workplace," this is it.
It also means that there's a reason I have a ritual that I do whenever I start work. That I'm not just slacking when I drop something in the middle and wander away or pull up a browser. That I get frustrated when the kids interrupt me and I have to get back in my work mindset by doing my ritual stuff all over again.
Having this realization also gives me a better line on my kids. I'm so going to fight for them now, because I know what this is like. Dear heavens, to think how many years I thought I was just lazy or stupid. The mind boggles.
And what do you know... it's now a bright new day. :)
