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Marriage rant stuff. Read only if one a) likes to listen to personal rants, b) wants some insight into my current state of being, and/or c) has a strong stomach for marital trainwrecks in action. You've been warned.
Bad Spell 1: It's David's drill weekend. It's a three-day drill, and we don't have enough money to just let him stay up there. Ergo, he's up at 4 AM every morning to drive the hour and a half to Norman to get there in time for sign-in by 7 AM, then doing stuff all day, then home. This is the third evening of this (and last, thankfully). He's really tired and sore as hell from the PT sessions.
Bad Spell 2: It's David's drill weekend. This means that I'm alone with the kids pretty much all day, and missing having company/help. I also have all day to brood about my current situation and the hopelessness of it all, which doesn't help matters any (he has our car, you see).
1st Night: He is exhausted and having a bad time of things, is overly frustrated if people even move wrong, and is sending out every sort of "go the fuck away" signal you can possibly imagine, to the extent of jumping and shying away from me if I come near him unexpectedly. I eventually just leave the room and drown myself in television viewing, something I do pretty rarely, because otherwise I'm going to do something entirely destructive to our relationship.
Note: he apologized for the first night when he got up at 4 AM (after I woke up to go visit the facilities).
2nd night: He makes an effort to hang out with me and the kids, is social with my parents, and otherwise tries to talk with me and be accessible. Pretty good thus far. He still has to go to bed early, this project is still kicking my ass, and I'm still feeling pretty damn neglected. He was talking to me over the evening about his stuff, and I felt completley extraneous. when I told him what was going on, he mentioned that he had asked how my day was and stuff. The problem is I'm so overly sensitized to being rejected right now that if I don't have his full attention when he talks to me, I feel like I don't dare take up his time and just don't talk much about myself, because I can't take it if he were to walk away in the middle. We discuss and sorta make up, and things are mostly okay.
Tonight: Today I went to visit my grandfather, whom I haven't seen in a year (guilt guilt). I go with mom and bring the kids along as well while David's at drill. We get back about an hour and a half after he got home. Foolishly, I had mentally concocted a scenario wherein he was waiting for us to get home and had at least a smile for each of us, and asked how the day went.
Instead, he was asleep. He said he'd laid down to take a nap on purpose, but I'm not entirely sure that's correct. Or rather, I believe that's what he meant to do, but only because it seemed like a good idea at the time because he was dead tired anyway. We wake him up to let him know we're home. He's still half asleep and drowsily greets the kids. He says almost nothing to me, and certainly doesn't have anything approaching a smile. I'm hurt, so I find a reason to leave the room and let him gather himself together. When he's finished talking to the kids and they go off to play, I come back in and we start to chat a bit, with me asking him questions and making small talk. He did ask if we had a good visit with my grandfather. I mention that we missed him, and he says he's sorry. I point out that I told him this to let him know we were thinking of him. I started to ask if there was any sign he might have missed us too, but I stopped myself and just didn't go there.
For the rest of the evening, I was largely trying to submerse myself in my email and message boards, while he was half-dazed and sleepy. He tried to wash the boys at my behest because I'd been herding the children all day, but Will got soap in his eyes and was crying and wouldn't stop and David got so frustrated that he couldn't find a towel, and was half-yelling at Will to stop crying, and... It was just going to escalate, so I ran in and took over and got the soap out of Will's eyes, and got David out of the room while I finished taking care of Will.
By the end of it, all I want is to leave. I come back in to try and calm down, David manages to find pajamas and underwear for boys and gets them into bed. Not long after we get them in, David comes back and asks if we're going to try to return the movie tonight. I nix the idea, as being on a long, silent car ride with him when we're both exhausted and I'm hostile is so not on my list of fun activities. He then goes straight to bed, and to sleep. And here I sit, trying desperately to work this out so I don't carry it with me for days and ruin even more chances at being civil and upbeat with one another.
The more rational part of my brain points out that we're both stressed, and this weekend only made all of it worse than it should have been. The emotional part of my brain doesn't see any way in hell I'm going to make it another year, and just wants to get the hell out. I mean, there are good, caring men out there without a lifetime worth of shit to deal with who don't need someone to "fix" them or act as a surrogate target for all the shit they've been dealt. Hell, I even know some of them, and part of me would really not be adverse to knowing them better, whether anything came of it or not.
Instead, because I had children with this man, I've got to keep going through this shit for another 10 months at least, probably more like 16, until he can either fix it or run it off in the ditch altogether. I want nothing more than to find someone and remember what it feels like to have someone really want you around, to have fun and fool around and possibly have sexual tension and just... not be one of the walking wounded anymore, just for his sake. Of course, doing that would be horribly unfair to just the type of person I'd like to be with, because until I know what I'm doing with my marriage and if there's even the slightest chance left, I could be setting someone up for a very, very bad time. I'm not going to do that to someone who's potentially decent and does not have issues that dwarf the Grand Canyon in depth and breadth.
Not that David's issues are quite that bad, really -- I've known people with far more to deal with. I just didn't marry them. After 13 years and with my marriage at risk because of said issues, I'm allowed a bit of hyperbole.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired generally. And I still care about the man. I love him, but the hole in my heart from having him gone hurts less than the one that's ripped open anew every time something like tonight happens and I feel the absence of the love he once felt for me. It's so raw now that it bleeds even at the hint of pain, whether or not there's anything there to actually hurt me any more.
I think if we carry through that he will eventually realize he wants to stay, and that while he no longer feels the need to cling to me obsessively and be around me all the time, like an oversize boy and his girl-shaped security blanket, that he still does love me. Our relationship and the marriage and everything is worth working on; there's enough really good stuff there to make it worth while.
At this point, though, I'm not sure any more that I will care if/when he does. That hurts more than anything else, really.
Bad Spell 1: It's David's drill weekend. It's a three-day drill, and we don't have enough money to just let him stay up there. Ergo, he's up at 4 AM every morning to drive the hour and a half to Norman to get there in time for sign-in by 7 AM, then doing stuff all day, then home. This is the third evening of this (and last, thankfully). He's really tired and sore as hell from the PT sessions.
Bad Spell 2: It's David's drill weekend. This means that I'm alone with the kids pretty much all day, and missing having company/help. I also have all day to brood about my current situation and the hopelessness of it all, which doesn't help matters any (he has our car, you see).
1st Night: He is exhausted and having a bad time of things, is overly frustrated if people even move wrong, and is sending out every sort of "go the fuck away" signal you can possibly imagine, to the extent of jumping and shying away from me if I come near him unexpectedly. I eventually just leave the room and drown myself in television viewing, something I do pretty rarely, because otherwise I'm going to do something entirely destructive to our relationship.
Note: he apologized for the first night when he got up at 4 AM (after I woke up to go visit the facilities).
2nd night: He makes an effort to hang out with me and the kids, is social with my parents, and otherwise tries to talk with me and be accessible. Pretty good thus far. He still has to go to bed early, this project is still kicking my ass, and I'm still feeling pretty damn neglected. He was talking to me over the evening about his stuff, and I felt completley extraneous. when I told him what was going on, he mentioned that he had asked how my day was and stuff. The problem is I'm so overly sensitized to being rejected right now that if I don't have his full attention when he talks to me, I feel like I don't dare take up his time and just don't talk much about myself, because I can't take it if he were to walk away in the middle. We discuss and sorta make up, and things are mostly okay.
Tonight: Today I went to visit my grandfather, whom I haven't seen in a year (guilt guilt). I go with mom and bring the kids along as well while David's at drill. We get back about an hour and a half after he got home. Foolishly, I had mentally concocted a scenario wherein he was waiting for us to get home and had at least a smile for each of us, and asked how the day went.
Instead, he was asleep. He said he'd laid down to take a nap on purpose, but I'm not entirely sure that's correct. Or rather, I believe that's what he meant to do, but only because it seemed like a good idea at the time because he was dead tired anyway. We wake him up to let him know we're home. He's still half asleep and drowsily greets the kids. He says almost nothing to me, and certainly doesn't have anything approaching a smile. I'm hurt, so I find a reason to leave the room and let him gather himself together. When he's finished talking to the kids and they go off to play, I come back in and we start to chat a bit, with me asking him questions and making small talk. He did ask if we had a good visit with my grandfather. I mention that we missed him, and he says he's sorry. I point out that I told him this to let him know we were thinking of him. I started to ask if there was any sign he might have missed us too, but I stopped myself and just didn't go there.
For the rest of the evening, I was largely trying to submerse myself in my email and message boards, while he was half-dazed and sleepy. He tried to wash the boys at my behest because I'd been herding the children all day, but Will got soap in his eyes and was crying and wouldn't stop and David got so frustrated that he couldn't find a towel, and was half-yelling at Will to stop crying, and... It was just going to escalate, so I ran in and took over and got the soap out of Will's eyes, and got David out of the room while I finished taking care of Will.
By the end of it, all I want is to leave. I come back in to try and calm down, David manages to find pajamas and underwear for boys and gets them into bed. Not long after we get them in, David comes back and asks if we're going to try to return the movie tonight. I nix the idea, as being on a long, silent car ride with him when we're both exhausted and I'm hostile is so not on my list of fun activities. He then goes straight to bed, and to sleep. And here I sit, trying desperately to work this out so I don't carry it with me for days and ruin even more chances at being civil and upbeat with one another.
The more rational part of my brain points out that we're both stressed, and this weekend only made all of it worse than it should have been. The emotional part of my brain doesn't see any way in hell I'm going to make it another year, and just wants to get the hell out. I mean, there are good, caring men out there without a lifetime worth of shit to deal with who don't need someone to "fix" them or act as a surrogate target for all the shit they've been dealt. Hell, I even know some of them, and part of me would really not be adverse to knowing them better, whether anything came of it or not.
Instead, because I had children with this man, I've got to keep going through this shit for another 10 months at least, probably more like 16, until he can either fix it or run it off in the ditch altogether. I want nothing more than to find someone and remember what it feels like to have someone really want you around, to have fun and fool around and possibly have sexual tension and just... not be one of the walking wounded anymore, just for his sake. Of course, doing that would be horribly unfair to just the type of person I'd like to be with, because until I know what I'm doing with my marriage and if there's even the slightest chance left, I could be setting someone up for a very, very bad time. I'm not going to do that to someone who's potentially decent and does not have issues that dwarf the Grand Canyon in depth and breadth.
Not that David's issues are quite that bad, really -- I've known people with far more to deal with. I just didn't marry them. After 13 years and with my marriage at risk because of said issues, I'm allowed a bit of hyperbole.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired generally. And I still care about the man. I love him, but the hole in my heart from having him gone hurts less than the one that's ripped open anew every time something like tonight happens and I feel the absence of the love he once felt for me. It's so raw now that it bleeds even at the hint of pain, whether or not there's anything there to actually hurt me any more.
I think if we carry through that he will eventually realize he wants to stay, and that while he no longer feels the need to cling to me obsessively and be around me all the time, like an oversize boy and his girl-shaped security blanket, that he still does love me. Our relationship and the marriage and everything is worth working on; there's enough really good stuff there to make it worth while.
At this point, though, I'm not sure any more that I will care if/when he does. That hurts more than anything else, really.
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Date: 2004-02-09 03:18 pm (UTC)From:Amen. *wuffles*