Grad school apps

[eurydicebound]

So today I've spent most of the morning getting transcripts ordered and letters of recommendation sent and just generally trying to get all the stuff that has to be mailed from elsewhere sent off so that it'll all get where it's going in time. This is, probably not surprisingly, way more stressful than it sounds.

It's not just the form-filling-out and the fees and whatnot, it's also that this is a huge (HUGE) change in my life that I'm looking at. I've got to jump off a proverbial really big-ass cliff, not knowing if or when I'll land, and that is terrifying. I literally don't know where I'll be nine months from now. I have suspicions, but it's only that. I don't even know if this is something I can do successfully. What I do know is that if I don't get all my paperwork done and sent off by halfway through next week, then I've screwed up badly. And while I believe I can get that done -- there's some tweaking to do, but nothing terribly untoward -- it is hardly what I'd consider a low-stress situation.

I want this all to work so badly. I want to not be screwing up my life by deciding to push forward with this. I want to not fail. I don't have any guarantee of any of that, though... not an easy thing to admit to, much less deal with. This is potentially such a huge change, and I know so little about how it'll all work on the other end of it. I'm flying blind, basically... and I hate that.

This afternoon I'm going to see Sherlock Holmes, because lord knows I could use the break. After I get back I'm going to bake bread and make salmon for dinner, because I have to know how this recipe I'm trying is going to turn out. I'm also going to fill out applications for the next two schools and get that done. Then I'll see what's left to do for each, what needs to be mailed from here, and I'll make a list and put my packets together. There are other things, more pressing short-term things, that I have to deal with next week. I can't do anything about them right now, though, and likely not until next week anyway, if then, so I'm just going to put those out of my mind for the moment.

If anyone wants to offer a bit of reassurance, I'd really really appreciate it right now. I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time and get through (as a friend so wisely counseled me) but a few supportive notes would also go a long way. Every little bit helps, you know? Thanks, guys.

Comments

[knowmad.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it's encouragement, but I will say I admire and, to some degree, envy your drive to push forward with your dream(s).

What will you be studying in grad school?

Just from reading your earlier recap, it sounds like you had a pretty good year, so it seems like you're on the right track. I believe it's all good stuff ... and what's really the worst that can happen here? It doesn't work out? So, at least you tried something and can try other stuff. Money loss? Money comes and goes, ebbs and flows ... we contract types know that all too well. I can't really think of a horribly negative outcome, so that's a good thing. And there could be some really great results, so go for it full-on.

Now if only I could pep talk myself like that (okay, sometimes I do, but the energy's a bit low after last night's festivities)!

[anaka.livejournal.com]

I'll be going for my PhD in English and trying to be a professor.

As to what I could lose -- well, I could go horribly into debt, I could negatively impact my relationship with my kids and their dad, I could end up complicating things horribly with my boyfriend... He'll, I'm basically giving up pursuing the career I have to go back and become a full-time student. The sheer number of things thatcould go disastrously wrong in this scenario is not small.

I don't think these things will happen, mind you. If I really thought it was likely to go horribly awry, I'd have to stop. That doesn't mean I can't use some reassurance, though. For that, I thank you, hon.

[tfbretz.livejournal.com]

You rock. So speaks Zod.

[shadist.livejournal.com]

It's natural to catastrophyse our thoughts about the future.



So, you listed the negatives, what are the good possible results?

Everything I have read here points to a wonderful intellect. . . I have faith :)

[anaka.livejournal.com]

The positives are that I get a more stable career that, while it'll never make me rich, will let me put my kids through college and provide for them and myself, as well as being something I'm good at that I love. I'll improve things with my boyfriend and get a social life and a community, and I'll manage to do something worthwhile with my life.

The positives are why I'm doing this. I just know that it's by no means guaranteed, and I'm making some serious sacrifices to make this happen. I just really don't want the price to be higher than what I've already estimated, because I don't know that I can bear it if it is.

[anaka.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Zod. I'll skip the kneeling, though. :)

[knowmad.livejournal.com]

I think that the debt thing falls under the money category I spoke of. As someone who owes quite a bit on his credit cards, I know it's no fun, but money comes and goes, and I think most sane folks would go crazy to dwell on it too much. Kids go through a ton o' crap growing up, and most still end up loving their parents just fine and turning out to be good, reasonably well-adjusted people. As for the dad, his relationship with them is on him. If you mean that you might have to put some physical distance between him and the kids (say, if you end up moving somewhere else), sorry to say, but that's part of the divorce game. A LOT of people do that when their marriages break up. I'm not exactly sure what you mean about the boyfriend, but most relationships face these kinds of tests at some point ... I think if they're not strong enough to survive such tests, it's better to know sooner rather than later. As for the career, I'm imagining it's not really making you all that happy at present, or you wouldn't be looking to do this instead.

None of what I'm saying is meant to dismiss your worries, but I'm trying to come at it from an outside point of view. Not always, but often I find that it helps to have someone not so close to things offer an opinion. It's certainly helped (at times) with my own struggles.

[daydreamweaver.livejournal.com]

You can do this. You know you can do this. You just have to stop being scared of it long enough to sit down and actually do it. *hugs*

[elissa-carey.livejournal.com]

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling, sweetie. What you wrote is just what I was going through in applying to SCAD and Drexel and such, and not knowing where I would end up, and so on. Hell, I NEVER have panic attacks, and I nearly had one when I was sending SCAD my writing portfolio to be considered for a scholarship (which I got).

Take heart. Things will be OK. You'll get accepted to the places you want to go; I can't see how you wouldn't, with your GPA and obvious level of commitment. I'm betting your Statement of Purpose for each is full of passion and intelligence.

Hopefully I'm proof enough that you can take that leap of faith and be rewarded. :) (Monday I'm back in classes at SCAD. Winter quarter is just around the corner.)

[effrenatus.livejournal.com]

Please. You'll kick academia's ass. -mls

[sefue.livejournal.com]

Grad school is scary. You're basically gambling years of your life and thousands of dollars on the chance that you'll make it into one of the few job opennings in your field - if you can take the nonsense inherent in Ph.D programs (if it was just learning the info, oh, how lovely it would be!).

So here are my 'pearls of wisdom' after two masters and ABD status (hopefully I'll defend in June). Follow your passion. Find that topic that thrills you even when you are tired, that you'll burble on about in just about any social situation, and that you'll still be enthusastic about when you can't buy that special something (which may be food/vitamins) because you are flat broke. Then look at the current 'sexy' trends in your field, and figure out how you can spin your passion into 'sexy' relevence. That's how you get funding, get invited to add chapters to books/collaborate in articles, get interest in *you*.

Publish in your field as soon as you can - even if your department or advisor says that it really isn't necessary before some arbitrary date. It makes you that much more competitive and relevant.

Keep your contacts in the outside world. This is a possible source of added revenue, and should you not end up with a job as a prof after you get your Ph.D, sources of future employment.

Figure out the level of debt you can handle, and don't go beyond it. That may mean that you take a quarter off, etc. Don't be a newly minted prof earning $40K a year and paying off $100,000 worth of student loans and credit card debt. Your profs may or may not understand, depending on their own experiences (lots of spouses that funded *their* Ph.Ds). If they don't understand, smile and ask for their help finding funding.

Realize the real job market. Read the Chronicle of Higher Education, talk to senior/ABD grads in your department, and seriously assess your plans. Anthropology is abyssmal right now - knowing that, I have several plans in addition to working in academia.

Enjoy yourself! If you're hating your grad student life, you're doing something wrong (wrong topic, wrong place, etc.) Many of the rewards coming from a Ph.D are intangible. And there are plenty of people who realize during the process that they want to be doing something different (move into another field in academia), get a job that moves them in a different direction (outside of academia), etc - and yet do not regret having done grad school at all. So go for it! :)