eurydicebound

The Andy Williams Christmas album is playing over iTunes, I have eggnog chilling in the fridge, and I sit in a darkened room, bathed by both the light from the computer monitor and a fully decorated, lit Christmas tree. In particular, a translucent glass Santa is glowing green and red from the lights behind it, looking at me in a cheerful fashion (picked out by my eldest as his ornament for this year).

I took a run at this whole decorating thing yesterday, largely on my own, and was forced to turn back by a host of unwelcome memories and emotions--not to mention only one working string of lights. Tonight, however, I recruited my kiddos after purchasing reinforcements. We did it together, and they were so happy. They insisted on turning out all the lights when it was done so that they could see it in all its glory. I remember that from when I was a girl, too... it wasn't done until we'd turned out every light in the house so as to see it properly. They were happy I had all the ornaments we made last year, when we were too broke to buy any. I didn't realize they'd meant that much to them. We may have to do something similar again this year.

I am fortunate in so many ways. This is not to say there aren't things in life that suck... for instance, my current lack of employment and the fact that I may have to move in a couple of months into some tiny studio place I can afford on unemployment while the kids move in with David, something that I'm trying not to think about to heavily yet. I managed to catch bronchitis, and money is a sort of ever-present concern. My earlier suspicions that Christmas would be difficult were pretty much on target, and I'm unable to really get away to do anything about it.

The thing is, though, I have now. I have this Christmas with my boys. I have my place and my things for a while longer. I have an ex that I care about, and who still cares about me in his own way, and we get along well enough to play World of Warcraft together and consult on where would be best for Santa to make his deliveries. I have the beginnings of a social life. I have wonderful, wonderful friends who look out for me and actually seem to like having me around. I have a supportive family who loves me. And, to top it off, I have an utterly rocking haircut that will undoubtedly convince anyone who interviews me that they must hire me for the sake of sheer sartorial splendor. :)

Just... if Christmas is a time for giving, it's also a time for being grateful for what you have. I am indeed grateful.

If you are reading this, Happy Chanukah, Happy Yule, Happy Holidays -- whatever you celebrate, I wish you joy. A Merry Christmas to you all.