Quote of the Day

"Now let's kick some blasts!"

-- Will, as some imaginary character in some game or other.

Group Project: Help me describe myself.

I need three adjectives or short phrases to describe myself. I am, frankly, blanking on anything better than calm, brainy, and cute. These are okay, but surely not the best stuff out there. I'm therefore seeking inspiration from friends, who can often describe you better than you can describe yourself. Studio audience participation is appreciated.

Michelle's Movie Reviews -- Con Air

Back in the realm of movies that suck, today's contribution is Con Air. Again, Con Air is, fairly indisputably I think, a sucky movie. And yet it has moments that carry it beyond its more obvious flaws, flaws such as:

• Nic Cage's horrible accent.


• The plot holes one could drop a 747 through.


• The truly bizarre settings and action sequences. This was truly a film that was structured according to the Feng Shui RPG School of Film Design, wherein the thought "this would be an awesome place for a fight!" occurs and a script is born.

There are more things about the film that suck, but those are some of the more glaring ones. This is a review about why we watch it anyway, though. For me, those things are as follows:

• John Cusack. Aside from the fact that I'd happily watch that man file taxes and that he did this film solely to fund something that was actually worthwhile, he manages to use his supporting role to add unexpected notes of "what the fuck?!?" into the script, thus giving the audience a character to sympathize with in the film's more awkward moments.


• The cast in general. John Malkovich, John Cusack, Nic Cage, Steve Buscemi... okay, maybe not Nic Cage, although I generally like him. The whole cast is filled with people who could have been doing something so much better than this with their time, and yet here they are. They wring every possible bit of good out of a less-than-worthy script. The prime example: where Malkovich manages to pull off "Make a move and the bunny gets it" WITHOUT becoming the laughingstock of the film. Granted, he's got competition for that role, but still. That takes an actor.


• Despite the fact that there is zero, and I do mean zero, chemistry between the primary character and his wife, between Cage and the girl playing his daughter and a well-placed not-actually-LeAnn-Rimes song, the last scene is actually touching.


• Steve Buscemi manages to be quite effectively creepy during the boonies scenes.


• It's just fun. It's crazy, gonzo, Rifts-style, Transmetropolitan-reality-show, "let's see what happens when we land a plane on the Vegas Strip," sort of fun. It's "I magic missile the darkness" sorts of fun. It's the sort of fun you don't really want to admit to unless you've had a couple of beers and you've got blackmail information on your buddies, but it's still fun.


Snack rating: Beer. Likely bad domestic beer. Possibly box wine. Crackers with cheese from a can. Those little sausages with barbeque sauce. And beer. Don't forget the beer. And I don't even like beer.

And that, ladies and gents, is why this movie Doesn't Totally Suck.